[ camping, they'd said. just... for fun, though. or, well, to really get a lay of the land, but mostly for fun, because there's no other reason to do it. they've even got a nice little apartment to go back to once they're done, cozy and pleasant and home now more than either of them thought they'd get to have.
and for erwin, who'd known he was dying, and levi, who was resigned to mourning, well, maybe going out camping together without any stakes is kind of cathartic. erwin's not thinking of it that way, but that's what it is. catharsis.
they are at least being mindful of being in the woods of their technically-captors the fae, and making sure to not 'fuck around and find out,' as it were. still, it's nice, and now erwin can carry supplies with his prosthetic arm and have the other free to do important things such as brush his fingers along levi's wrist mid-step every once in a while.
sometimes he still marvels over just being able to do it. ]
I still appreciate that you were able to get access to the equipment while I was still trying to get used to this arm.
[ the odd jobs, erwin means. the odd jobs levi did to get them enough camping gear to go out and actually have a nice time. ]
[ captive or not, he's never been happier than he is right now.
every time he feels Erwin's hand (the real one, though he'll happily hold either) brush over his there's a warmth in his chest that's become quite familiar in the weeks they've been together, and he smiles to himself, knowing he somehow gets to spend the rest of his life like this.
presumably, anyway. they're not actually married. he's not thinking about that, though—if Erwin is with him, he's more than content.
speaking of holding hands, he'd love to be doing it right now but he's currently carrying far more than one person should be carrying. it probably looks weird to anyone else. fortunately, there's no one else around and he wouldn't care either way. ]
It's an ongoing deal. I clean up their shit every week, I get paid back with stuff like this. It should really be more than once a week, but I didn't want to push it.
[ who fucking knows how often he thinks the market needs to be cleaned per week. ]
Was there a spot you saw last time where you want to set up camp?
[ it's mutual. both the happiness and wanting to hold hands but not being able to parts. one is a constant and the other will be remedied once they settle in wherever they decide to stop.
stick a pin in the marriage thing. it'll probably come up at some point. for now, well, contentment's the name of the game. ]
Don't do more work than they ask of you. [ mildly, because, well, he's not going to judge the need for cleanliness, obviously. ] It leaves more time for other things, and especially if we need to take on something for someone else as another favor. [ now that erwin's back with two arms, he's going to pick up the slack too even though he knows levi doesn't see any of it as erwin 'slacking.' he needs something to occupy him, though. that's important. and if it gets them things they need (or want, imagine just getting something because you want it) then all the better.
he'll bring up his thoughts on teaching people how to fight again later. not now. ]
A general area along that way, [ with a gesture, ] but I didn't have a specific spot in mind yet, no. There seemed to be a few options depending on how wooded we want our surroundings, but there's a strip close to a stream I thought would be comfortable.
Yeah, I guess you're right. I'd rather be doing stuff we can do together, anyway.
[ not that Erwin can't clean with him, of course, but not everyone has the same kind of... uh, passion for janitorial work. it's probably better to just let him go in there and do his thing.
he glances off in the direction Erwin points at and nods, as if he would have said no to anything Erwin decided. ]
Your choice. We're celebrating you. Though if you want to be able to see the ocean, maybe less wooded would be better.
[ as long as no one bothers them, he genuinely does not give a fuck where they camp. frankly, he's not here for the nature. ]
[ erwin will let him go in there and do his thing while erwin does whatever other work he can find, then with their very strange newfound free time (what's that?), they can be together. it still feels extra strange to not have to actively worry about things like constant scarcity on top of the danger and loss of people, but not in a bad way.
maybe, someday, they'll actually take it for granted. ]
I thought we could stay in the more heavily wooded area, then make sure our time used for exploration includes passes by the ocean.
[ there's so much to see and erwin wants to take in all of it, is the thing. and sure, he likes knowing the area and he likes nature, but realistically? he's also in it for the company. if he were on his own doing this, it'd be all business, in and out, not even lingering long enough to need to stay overnight.
this is luxury in a way people who've lived with actual-factual luxury would never understand. ]
[ that actually works out great for him because more trees = more privacy, and his number one wish when it comes to camping locations is to be somewhere where everyone will leave them the fuck alone. the less visible their setup is, the better.
ultimately, though, it really is all about what Erwin wants. he wouldn't have it any other way. ]
[ they both love privacy, frankly. even with erwin being the more easily sociable of them, he still prefers the quiet of being alone together when he's not actively deciding to do the whole interpersonal contact thing.
so yeah. the less visible, the better. levi following erwin is a comforting normal, their baseline, and it's comforting enough for erwin that he has to wonder how much it is for levi, who didn't have it for all the time they were apart.
for all the time erwin was dead. he forces himself not to think about it.
instead he forces himself to focus on the present and the task he's given himself. the stream he mentioned is close enough, and revisiting the spot proves his assessment of its comfort to be at least initially correct. satisfied, he starts to set things down in the most likely place. ]
I've started to wonder something about how being in this place and how the desires of others to go home would manifest.
he's already unloading gear and starting to set everything up when Erwin mentions it, and he freezes, quiet for a moment while he tries to push down the dread that rises in his chest every time he thinks about going home.
he's pretty sure Erwin wouldn't say something like that in this scenario unless he'd come up with some kind of solution, though. the apprehension is automatic, but he trusts Erwin won't lead them down that kind of road right now. ]
[ the hand erwin briefly places at levi's back is the artificial one, but the weight of it is the same as if it were the other. it doesn't matter: both are part of him, and that's what matters.
because yeah, erwin has no intention of leading them down that kind of road.
instead: ]
If people find ways to go to their home worlds, it will upset the balance of power and how things work, presumably. However, more importantly, I've been wondering if it's strictly necessary for one to go back to their own world. We've all been brought here from different places. I don't see why, if it ends up being possible for people to go home, why they couldn't go elsewhere as well.
[ see: wouldn't it be neat to just go to some world that isn't an absolute shitshow, actually? ]
[ it's definitely strange feeling a hand pressed against him that's not made of flesh and bone, but it's still Erwin's so he doesn't care. it's not unsettling at all. it's just as comforting as the organic one would have been.
he turns back to look at Erwin as he continues to speak, and realization begins to dawn on his face as Erwin's point becomes clear. ]
Huh. I never woulda thought of that.
[ that's true of so, so many things, though. this is the kind of shit that Erwin does better than anyone.
he smiles a little, relieved (but not surprised) that Erwin's come up with something that might be an alternative to going home. ]
I guess I gotta start trying to actually make friends then, huh?
[ lest they lose out on a possible new home because the other person thinks he's a dick. that would be pretty fucking embarrassing. ]
[ it's still a little strange sometimes for erwin, the difference between his arms. not that there is much difference: jayce had and has been extremely thorough in making sure the weight and measure of the limbs are as close to identical as possible. it's made the transition easier and erwin is thankful for it on top of all the other things he needs to be thankful for (and is).
levi always follows his trains of thought easily enough, and erwin doesn't need to elaborate more for the other man's benefit because of it—he huffs a little almost-laugh at levi's commentary, smiling at him in that slightly crooked way he only wears when they're alone. ]
I think you're underestimating people's current opinions of you, but I agree that we should both try to make as many connections as we can here.
[ he snorts. Erwin always, always sees the best in him somehow, even when it's clear the majority of people don't agree. that said, Levi cares a lot what Erwin thinks of him and not at all what other people do, so in the end it still works. ]
Yeah, I think it's more likely that you're overestimating it. Some guy just called me a bitch not that long ago.
[ naturally, he doesn't sound upset about this. he doesn't sound proud of it, either; he probably deserved it. again, though, unless it's Erwin calling him a bitch he doesn't care.
he starts to go back to unloading some more of their cargo, gathering the pieces to assemble their tent. ]
This seems way too easy.
[ or maybe he's just used to everything being needlessly difficult all the time? either way, it doesn't really sound like a complaint. ]
[ it is for the best that levi only takes erwin's opinion into account not because others actually dislike levi, but because erwin's opinion of him is so high that frankly, it trumps anyone else's opinion in the first place. he considers what levi says again, almost theatrical in the way he does it, before settling on: ]
I think the weight of that depends on whether he seemed like the type of person to call all sorts of people a bitch or just you.
[ did he just—you know what, don't worry about it.
as they work on the tent, he lofts an eyebrow. ]
A lot of things seem that way here. It's been a little harder than it should be, I think, to have sympathy for people who've found this place extremely difficult to exist in.
[ to his credit, he does seem to consider this as a possibility, though ultimately he just shrugs. ]
He did, but I was probably also being a bitch. I'm not disputing the claim.
[ Erwin's other comment draws a scoff out of him; he couldn't have said it better himself. all he can think of as he continues to put together their easy mode tent is that girl he talked to on the network who said she was from Actual Hell and it still sounded better than the place they called home.
incredible. ]
Yeah, well, maybe this way they'll learn to appreciate what they have a little more if they get to go back.
[ if, not when. he knows he has the opposite hope of nearly everyone else here, but it's hard to feel bad about that. at least let Erwin stay here. in the end, that's what matters the most to him.
anyway, the tent is easy as fuck to set up with the addition of both clear instructions and neatly-labeled pieces, so they'll finish it fairly quickly. it's not fancy, but it fits two people and it will keep them warm and dry if it rains.
I knew you wouldn't dispute the claim, which is why I decided not to ask your opinion on that part.
[ ask levi to change? never. let people call him a bitch. that's erwin's bitch—wait. okay, maybe not worded like that. maybe worded a little differently. erwin's man is a bitch and he likes him that way. there we go. ]
Maybe. Some people will never learn, but that can be their own problem later.
[ said as they work on the tent, which is frankly very easy to put up, it's true, then plants his hands on his hips to survey (hah) the setup once it's done. ]
Let's get a fire set up and get settled in.
[ yeah, rain would suck. damn, being stuck together...in a cozy tent... wild. awful. truly. worse than that other person's hell. ]
[ dismissive, but somehow still affectionate. sheesh, this guy thinks he knows everything, doesn't he?
anyway, as seasoned professionals at doing Outdoorsy Shit, it doesn't take them too terribly long to gather enough wood for a fire, but by then the sun is beginning to set, so the timing is perfect.
clouds do seem to be gathering, though, which he notices while lighting the fire. ]
Seems like we might not be able to get away with this for too long.
[ as if Erwin needs to be told; that guy probably knew what the weather would be like a month ago. once the fire's going, though, he retrieves a large blanket from their stash of borrowed stuff and lays it out in front of it for them to sit on. obviously, they're not just going to sit on the ground. that would be ridiculous.
and speaking of ridiculous, he takes a seat on one side of the blanket, pulls a crisp white cloth out of his jacket pocket, and motions for Erwin to sit next to him. ]
Let me see your arm.
[ not like, take it off, just hold it out or whatever. he's probably already done this a dozen times since Erwin received the arm.
[ erwin doesn't have a verbal retort for the affectionate dismissal, but he doesn't need one. his faint smile the whole time they're setting up says enough.
the same smile that remains while the weather starts to try and catch up with them. he puts the finishing touches on the fire setup, exacting as always, and glances up at the sky as he settles into a comfortable sitting position on the blanket. it WOULD be ridiculous to sit directly on the ground, it's true. ]
Everything we do feels like getting away with a lot, if I'm honest. So either way I feel like I'm winning. It's a strange feeling, but I like it.
[ and... yeah, it's with practiced ease that erwin offers his arm over to levi. this is routine now, but definitely not an unpleasant one.
he likes the attention, but you won't catch him saying that out loud unless levi says something. not that levi doesn't know already, though. it's pretty obvious. ]
[ he smiles, and maybe it's a little self-satisfied—all his, indeed—but it's so much more than that.
this is what it's like to have a happy life, huh? he's out here enjoying the outdoors and the love of his life is here with a brand new arm that he gets to clean and no one is going to get eaten or partially eaten or bleed out and die in front of him and it's fucking awesome.
he wastes no time in getting to work on Erwin's arm, carefully wiping down one finger at a time, down to every hinge and crevice and groove. it's probably not even that fucking dirty even after all they've done today if he's doing this shit every single night.
weirdo. ]
You better get inside if it starts to rain. Can't have you getting all rusty and gross already.
[ actually he has no idea what this thing is made of and it's probably something he's never heard of anyway. it probably doesn't even rust. can't be too careful though, right? ]
[ they've earned some self-satisfaction, frankly, on top of everything else.
erwin's wary of getting used to good things and having them taken away, but it's so hard to not just enjoy what they have so frankly he's stopped trying to do that part (and even when he did try, it wasn't very long or very intensely). it's just a matter of never taking anything for granted.
and even just having this arm is a wonder: he watches levi clean it and still has a sense of wonder over it, how he can move the fingers like he did before he lost his original arm. he doesn't understand the technology of it, though he'd like to, and he intends to ask about it now that he's more used to having it.
he does snort at the commentary though, soft and fond, and grants a nod. ]
Of course. I'll do my best to not get rusty and gross. We should probably both get inside either way if it starts, since we can.
[ for now though, he's still content to relax here even with the threat of it overhead. as far as threats go, it's pretty low-stakes. ]
Oh, were we meant to share that? I thought you were gonna bring your own.
[ he's full of shit, obviously, but he's straight-faced as always while he gradually moves up Erwin's arm. as he applies the finishing touches, he finally sighs, and he's back to being genuine. ]
Next to you. Sleep next to you, is what I meant, I didn't—I don't just, assume—I mean, not that I don't want t—
[ at this point his words just blur into a pained groan, hands moving to cover his own face in embarrassment (while still keeping the cleaning cloth gingerly away from his face, of course).
Sorry, my mistake. I'll remember to bring my own next time.
[ just as straight-faced, holding still the entire time levi works.
he only pauses for a brief moment at the first statement, but when levi overcorrects and it's clear he's embarrassed erwin smiles, albeit looking a little flustered, and grips levi's wrists to draw his hands down from his face so he can press a kiss to his mouth, slow and fond and affectionate. ]
I understood what you meant, but that doesn't mean I'm opposed to other definitions.
[ his tension (self-afflicted, importantly) instantly falls away the moment Erwin's lips are on his, though the flush on his face remains—and then deepens a little at Erwin's words. he smiles anyway, though, lifting a hand to touch Erwin's cheek. he looks pretty intent on kissing him again, and that's exactly when the first sprinkles of rain start to fall.
he scowls in frustration when one lands on his face. ugh. ]
Shit. You go ahead and get inside. I'll pick this stuff up.
[ reluctant as he is to shoo Erwin away, he does pick up their blanket when he can and shake it out a few times before folding it back up. after that he'll follow Erwin into the tent, leaving the blanket in the corner because it is the dirt blanket and they are not sleeping with a dirt blanket.
it's pretty nice not to be truly roughing it in that way. clean blankets only. how luxurious.
he leaves his shoes in the far corner, too, because the only thing worse than dirty shoes is muddy shoes. with all that out of the way, he settles himself in and starts fussing with the aforementioned clean blankets. 'fidgeting' would probably be a better word, actually; he looks like he isn't quite sure what to do with himself.
probably because he doesn't. it's not discomfort, it's just... something else. ]
[ erwin is also reluctant to be shooed away, to be fair, though he does acquiesce because arguing in the worsening rain sounds like a lot more effort than necessary when the stakes are as low as "erwin helps get the blanket back to the tent."
it's weird to be able to actually pick his battles, but he does like it, even if he rolls his eyes fondly as he heads into the tent, tucking his shoes in the corner as well in the space that will soon be designated Dirty Things Area, which, fair enough.
by the time levi gets back and moves to the 'fiddling with things' stage, erwin's settled in and sitting—he seems thoughtful, like he's working through a problem and moving toward a solution. except it's not a 'problem,' it's the current situation and making everyone (all two of them) involved as relaxed and comfortable as possible.
eventually, he braces his weight on the prosthetic hand, leans over toward levi, and catches his chin gently with the other to steal that previously-interrupted-by-rain kiss. ]
I think, between the two of us, we can figure something out. We've always worked well together.
[ it's unclear if he thinks he's being some kind of smooth operator or if he's just genuinely as earnest as this about it. ]
[ he parses it as earnestness, partly because he takes everything Erwin says in maximum good faith, but also because he's largely oblivious to that kind of thing, especially when it's directed at him. so, whichever way Erwin actually meant it, it sets him more at ease—as does the kiss, which he returns and then holds Erwin's hand there against his face in both of his own. ]
I know. It's just, I never—
[ well. it's pretty obvious, isn't it? it doesn't take an Erwin Smith-caliber brain to be able to arrive at this conclusion. it's not a point of embarrassment for him, really; complete apathy for what other (non-Erwin) people think about him aside, it's also just none of anyone else's fucking business, and even if he had a love life he wouldn't be talking to other people about it at all.
the only reason it would ever come up is an impossible situation like this, and now here they are. he blows out a sigh, frustrated with himself, and lets his forehead drop down onto their clasped hands. ]
I'm sorry. I'm so bad at telling you how I feel, and then I have an opportunity like this where I could try to show you instead but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing there, either.
[ the inexperience comes down to this: before Erwin there wasn't anyone he ever wanted, and after Erwin was gone there wouldn't be anyone ever again. that was it.
[ is is maybe a little of both but mostly the earnestness: it's not like he's made a point to have any kind of experience in this kind of thing himself, even when he had that definitely real crush on a definitely real girl or whatever.
with that said, having levi's hands atop his own makes him smile; he brushes his thumb along levi's jaw gently, and the look he's giving him is undeniably, unmistakably adoring. it would be gross if anyone else were around, but since it's just them it's probably fine. ]
I didn't really devote any time to it myself.
[ an easy, more relaxed way to put it, because continuing to be relaxed is something he hopes is going to help levi relax more in turn. he's hopeful, since his previous statement had already helped slightly.
the apology gives him brief pause though, and his head tilts—then he's tipping it down to kiss the crown of levi's head before he guides his head back up to aim the next for his mouth again. ]
You don't have to rely on either of those things for me to know how you feel. If I didn't know by now, I wouldn't deserve those feelings.
[ see: if he's ever that stupid, please dump him. not that it'd ever happen, but the statement is out there.
he shifts, letting that same hand just cup the side of levi's neck. another kiss, another murmur, this one against his mouth. ]
Just let it be what it is, an extension of what we already know and have. It doesn't need to be a grand gesture or a message to tell me something I haven't already seen and felt.
[ his heart beats a little bit faster with Erwin's hand on his neck—a little embarrassing when they haven't even done anything yet, maybe, but also probably inevitable. Erwin's words do calm his anxiety, though; he just nods, a quick and wordless indication that he understands while he does his best to take it to heart.
an extension... somehow, it just instantly makes sense. how does Erwin always know exactly what to say?
his hands find Erwin's face before he really even has a chance to think about it (that's how Ackerman reflexes work, obviously, everyone knows that) and this time he initiates the kiss himself—not exactly confident, but certainly not hesitant, either.
he pauses only so he can speak, quiet and breathless against Erwin's mouth. ]
I love you.
[ sure, he doesn't have to rely on words, but some words still need to be said. ]
[ erwin's heart's beating a little faster too. there's something to be said for anticipation, the knowing that something is coming, that spikes the pulse. even when it's pleasant—maybe especially when it's pleasant. erwin doesn't have much experience with anticipating good things, after all, so it's a learning experience in that way too.
but he leans into levi's touch easily, into the renewed kiss, and smiles against his mouth, into the affection, over the way he sounds just as quiet and breathless as the younger man when he responds. ]
I love you too.
[ they don't have to say it. but saying things aloud gives them weight too, makes them tangible and permanent in the universe, impossible to take away or for their darkest hours to tell them weren't real or never happened.
it's a gift, a promise, an oath, and erwin will say it over and over until nothing exists around them anymore and then keep saying it even longer.
maybe that's dramatic. but that's alright, erwin's pretty good at dramatics. the one hand stays at his neck; the other drifts to levi's waist, grounding and weighted. ]
[ anticipating good things is completely foreign—or it was, at least, until he was brought here and he got Erwin back. there's no dread anymore, no constant apprehension about their time running out. he treasures every moment they have together because it's something he's not sure he deserves.
this isn't the time for that kind of morose nonsense, though. what he does or doesn't deserve is irrelevant. it's what Erwin deserves that's important, and Erwin deserves everything: his entire body, his entire heart, every second of his attention and every ounce of his love.
the truth is that Erwin would still have all of those things even if he didn't deserve them. unconditional love is like that.
he mirrors Erwin's movement, slipping one of his own hands down to rest at Erwin's waist. it isn't meant to be especially meaningful, but for just a brief moment something haunted passes over his expression.
this is where the wound that took Erwin away from him used to be, after all.
it's gone, though, and he doesn't understand how, but he doesn't care. the ghosts in his eyes are gone, too, and he smiles, closing his eyes, using his other hand to tip Erwin's head down to rest against his own forehead. ]
[ look at me, erwin's about to say, when that haunted look passes levi's expression. because with the touch, he understands what it means and what it's about. erwin can't quite believe himself some days that he's whole (insomuch as he can be) and here and alive, but he's long told himself he's not going to waste it.
but levi doesn't linger in that haunted moment. levi returnes to the moment they're actually in faster and easier than he has in the past, and that—that's something erwin is grateful for.
he's grateful for all of it, but the speed with which levi can remember that erwin is in front of him solid and real without erwin prompting him is something special. they're making progress, and he's happy.
did he ever expect to actually be happy?
it doesn't matter; he is.
he smiles when their foreheads touch, when levi's admission curls between them warm and pleased. erwin nods, the movement minute, just enough for the younger man to feel it against him. ]
I'm happy too. To be here and that you're here with me.
[ he's gone through a completely insane amount of trauma throughout his life, and he's still managed to make it this far—it's not an insignificant thing by any means just to have survived, but there are some things he'll probably never be free from. losing his mother crushed his whole world very early on, and he's lost so many others since then, but Erwin...
there was nothing like losing Erwin.
he doesn't regret the decision to let him go and he never will, but part of him died that day, too. Erwin is alive again, though, and he doesn't know how but if that happened doesn't that mean the part of him that shriveled up should be able to come back as well?
yeah, he thinks so. it already has—partially. maybe with enough time he'll be back to 100% and he won't have these moments where the grief creeps back up on him even as he looks Erwin right in the face. he spent so long wishing he could see Erwin's face again, but he had nothing he could look at. he can still hardly believe he can look at it whenever he wants now. for a long moment, that's all he does.
he slides his hand down to rest on Erwin's face, silently thankful that he has this chance to look into his eyes again. his fingertips trace down the lines of his cheekbones, over to his lips, and then he returns to the back of Erwin's neck to draw him down to kiss him again. his other arm wraps more firmly around Erwin's waist, trying to pull him closer (read: down) against him.
there's something a little more needy in his actions now. still not exactly confident, maybe, but he knows what he wants, and it's right in front of him.
[ comparatively, erwin's had so much less close personal loss than levi. he lost his father but in a different way, lost his soldiers but held himself apart from the kind of close friendships and ties levi had with his crew for so long that the most crushing part of his losses was the guilt of tossing fodder to his own dream rather than loss of companionship.
and he definitely never, ever had a loss as devastating as levi losing him. it's something he can't and doesn't personally understand the weight of, but he understands the weight of the worry of it happening just fine.
still.
to be like this, here, alive and with hope for the future, that's something. and maybe the underlying ache of knowing what erwin left behind is part of his intensity now, but all the better for it. when erwin kisses back he lets himself be guided, leans down and over and braces himself just so in order to keep balanced and settled against the younger man while he revels in just being able to do this, to be together and have that needy intensity feel like it's going right to his head.
there's something intoxicating about it that he's unfamiliar with, but that's not a bad thing. figuring things out together is a positive, not a negative, and even when the kiss breaks so that they can breathe, he presses his lips under levi's ear, then along his jaw, then his chin, trailing along and making it clear that pauses in what they're doing, or at least in the level of what they're doing, don't have to feel like hesitation.
they can feel like what they are: natural progression. ]
I love you.
[ said just to say it because he'll repeat himself until the end of time. the hand of the arm he's not using to support himself now glides along the line of levi's hip and rests with a warm, firm, and solid (very real and alive) grasp as he spreads his fingers. ]
[ the entire concept of intoxication is foreign to him, as a person who is inexplicably unable to get drunk and has never had any interest in (or money for) anything else that might have altered his consciousness in some way. even so, he can still say in full confidence that none of that could possibly be better than this.
he tilts his head to the side when he feels Erwin's mouth on his neck, a quiet sigh escaping his lips as he closes his eyes. if he didn't trust Erwin so completely, he'd be freezing up about now; there's a certain kind of lasting trauma that comes from being born and raised in a brothel which was itself in a slum, to a mother who worked there to provide for both of you and was rewarded with a sickness given to her by a client that eventually killed her. most of it manifests as compulsive cleaning, but it's no coincidence that he's never sought out anything like this, either. it was a number of years before he even came to realize it's not typically just a transaction, and even then he never found himself interested in anyone in that way. in truth, he didn't expect that he'd ever trust anyone the immense amount it would take to move past those painful memories, let alone love them enough to want to try.
then he met Erwin. then he tried to kill Erwin, and then he tried to kill him again. then he decided to trust Erwin, realized far too late that he was in love with him, and then Erwin died. the end?
nope.
he breathes an I love you in response in between kissing him and kissing him again, lifting a hand to touch the top button of Erwin's shirt. for a moment he just kind of hovers there, almost like he's not sure if he's really allowed to do this, but then he finally brings himself to unbutton one, bringing his other hand up to speed up the process in hopes the trembling will be a little less obvious. ]
[ having the period at the end of the sentence that was erwin's original life not be the end is still something astounding. mind-blowing. maybe, eventually, they'll get used to it. for now, erwin is still in the state of knowing how lucky he is and feeling every second of it fresh like a new sunrise.
this, too, is new and fresh and exciting and a sunrise above all else.
the sigh is encouragement just as much as the way the younger man tilts his head is. it lets erwin know he can continue, so he does. the hand at levi's hip stays where it is but he shifts how he rests to free the prosthetic hand for use: by the time levi is working at erwin's button's, erwin's hit the collar of levi's shirt with the trail of his mouth and nosed under the fabric to continue, but to do any more he has to also undo some buttons.
(also new and amazing is being able to use two hands for things. he's really, really into that even if it's a different experience than it would be with two intact human arms. he's still grateful.)
he notes levi's trembling but doesn't comment on it. nor does he do something like cover levi's hands to stop it and take over the act of unbuttoning on his own. he's not going to infantilize or baby levi, because that isn't what levi wants. letting levi take charge of how he handles this means letting him take the initiatives he wants and letting him stop himself if he needs to.
erwin can step in, sure. will, if he has to. but he trusts levi, as he always has.
he undoes one, two buttons of levi's shirt, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat and letting it linger. when he exhales it's a little shaky, but not in a bad way. the best possible way, actually, if one must be feeling a little overwhelmed, is to feel a little overwhelmed by how much you love someone. ]
[ the thing is, erwin has been fascinated by picking up new cultures and new ways to exist. in part to fit in among their new surroundings, in part to satisfy his burning curiosity. holidays aren't really, you know, a high priority when you're barely scraping by to begin with, and he hadn't previously had too much interest in them, if he's honest, even now that they're here, but a celebration on this particular day is, well, it's sure a thing, huh.
'a thing' in that erwin zeroed in on it as soon as he saw someone talk about it on the network just based on the time of year, and then he did some math between calendars and realized, well, you know where this is going.
well, the general idea, not the exact circumstance.
their apartment is cozy. it's almost as overwhelming now as it was the first day they moved into it, but it's been long enough they're used to it. it's definitely lived in—potted houseplants, things that just are and have no practical use, knicknacks, the books erwin borrows from the library, an incredible amount of fluffy blankets and pillows even though the place is plenty warm enough with just one or two, and any number of small fiddly hobbies that have been taken up as erwin gets more used to his artificial arm and they both take on the maintenance for it now that its original creator has returned home.
all this to say is that today, On Levi's Birthday, there's a small potted evergreen on the windowsill with some flashy baubles on it and (literal) fairy lights erwin has done a couple of favors to get ahold of, with a couple wrapped presents settled on the table near it. the presents aren't a surprise, probably, owing to it being levi's birthday and they no longer live with a constant lack of everything, but the tree's a little questionable. 'just a seasonal decoration,' erwin had claimed. right.
more importantly, though, is the fact that as soon as they get home from the shops (presumably they went to go get the ingredients for dinner, what with the whole birthday thing and all), erwin plucks a sprig of some kind of ??plant?? from his breast pocket and dangles it over their heads, leaning down to steal a long, lingering kiss even though he's still holding whatever counts as a fairyville grocery bag with the other hand. probably a basket. ]
I've been looking into some of the other seasonal festivities lately.
[ his birthday has been a non-event for almost his entire life.
his mother tried to make it special, of course, even though they had nothing. after she was gone, though, that was it. what's the point of celebrating your birthday by yourself—and in such a filthy, joyless place no less? eventually he had a couple of friends who managed to find out when it was, and then they were gone, too.
after that, there was Erwin, who probably managed to suss out when it was before Levi mellowed out enough to admit it himself. maybe it annoyed him a little at first, when Erwin would acknowledge his birthday or even give him a small gift; he softened to it every year, though, and to Erwin. and when Erwin was gone, he was far too broken to give a shit about his own birthday.
he'd celebrate Erwin's birthday—for some definition of 'celebrate'—alone, every October. his own would come and go two months later. it didn't matter.
having Erwin inexplicably back means being able to celebrate things like birthdays again, though it almost seems silly when every day already feels like a gift. he doesn't understand what the tree is for, but he knows Erwin has learned all kinds of things since they've been here.
who cares, honestly? it's beautiful. he loves it, just like he loves everything else Erwin does.
when Erwin pulls a plant out of his shirt pocket out of nowhere and holds it above both their heads, he doesn't understand that, either. he doesn't have much of a chance to ask, though, because suddenly Erwin is kissing him; it catches him by surprise, but this kind of thing is always a good surprise. he slips his arms around Erwin's waist while he gladly returns the kiss, and once Erwin begins to explain himself he smiles, glancing briefly back up at the mystery plant. ]
I see. You know you can do that whenever you want, though, right? You don't even need a stick.
I know. But it seemed like a very charming tradition. Normally it's pinned up in a doorway, but I didn't have the time to put it up. Basically, if you catch someone under it, you get a kiss.
[ he sets down the basket and looks at levi, tilting his head slightly, then smiles and kisses him again just for the sake of it. ]
As for the tree, I found out there are worlds that have an elaborate holiday on the same day as your birthday and as you can see, I couldn't resist. I'm still trying to work out what the tree symbolizes because there are a lot of conflicting texts about it all, but the 'spirit of giving' seems to be a constant.
[ this is a tradition that he might find kind of obnoxious in any other circumstance—doubly so if it's tied to his own birthday—but it so happens that he's in a very happy and very committed relationship with the only person he's ever wanted, and if this plant being taped to the ceiling means that he receives more kisses from said person, then what the fuck could he possibly have to complain about?
nothing, that's what. he can only benefit from this—provided it's in the privacy of his own home, of course. he's happy to return the second kiss and will continue to do so as many times as the weird ceiling plant grants him. ]
I hope you didn't find out about that the hard way.
[ he's mostly joking; if someone else tried to kiss Erwin he's pretty sure he would hear about it.
he glances over at the tree when Erwin brings it up; it really is beautiful regardless of what it may or may not symbolize. the thought of continuing to enjoy it every year for his birthday—of enjoying it together—makes him smile. ]
I'm sure you'll figure it out. Maybe it's just some other guy's birthday?
[ truly, how could anyone complain about their partner setting up obvious and visible excuses to kiss more often? it's charming in its own way, as is erwin's clear enjoyment of learning about other worlds and the things that matter in those places, often things he never thought could matter to anyone because there are always more important things to worry about.
it's another way that despite what others may say, and despite what happens around them, this place is still a luxury in comparison and erwin is more than happy to benefit from that.
his mouth twists into a smile and he shakes his head. ]
No, nothing like that.
[ and when levi smiles, erwin once again ducks to give him a kiss, again just because he wants to, and then straightens. ]
It could be. Probably someone important if such a large percentage of the world celebrates it. I am interested in what kind of person that may be, but I have a feeling they may be viewed so positively for reasons that may not make sense to us. A lot of things have been pretty mystifying.
[ it's not like he's not going to understand the appeal of a guy like jesus, but it will be a pleasant surprise when he finds out what that whole vibe was. not the religion part, but the being nice to people part. that's pretty great.
(he'll figure it out later. he's too busy right now.) ]
[ it sure would be a shame if he had to kill someone on his birthday.
anyway, casual hypothetical murder aside, he couldn't even begin to guess what kind of person would receive such a wide-reaching celebration, either—and if Erwin doesn't know, then he sure as shit doesn't know. as far as religion goes, his only real exposure has been to the wall cult, and those people were freaks.
pass. ]
Whoever they are, I'm sure they have very little in common with someone like me.
[ he takes hold of Erwin's real hand and leads him over to their couch to sit briefly before they start to cook whatever the hell they're making for dinner. ]
If you keep that thing in your pocket like that, isn't that just cheating?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
in the nebulous future of whenever erwin's got his arm lmao
and for erwin, who'd known he was dying, and levi, who was resigned to mourning, well, maybe going out camping together without any stakes is kind of cathartic. erwin's not thinking of it that way, but that's what it is. catharsis.
they are at least being mindful of being in the woods of their technically-captors the fae, and making sure to not 'fuck around and find out,' as it were. still, it's nice, and now erwin can carry supplies with his prosthetic arm and have the other free to do important things such as brush his fingers along levi's wrist mid-step every once in a while.
sometimes he still marvels over just being able to do it. ]
I still appreciate that you were able to get access to the equipment while I was still trying to get used to this arm.
[ the odd jobs, erwin means. the odd jobs levi did to get them enough camping gear to go out and actually have a nice time. ]
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every time he feels Erwin's hand (the real one, though he'll happily hold either) brush over his there's a warmth in his chest that's become quite familiar in the weeks they've been together, and he smiles to himself, knowing he somehow gets to spend the rest of his life like this.
presumably, anyway. they're not actually married. he's not thinking about that, though—if Erwin is with him, he's more than content.
speaking of holding hands, he'd love to be doing it right now but he's currently carrying far more than one person should be carrying. it probably looks weird to anyone else. fortunately, there's no one else around and he wouldn't care either way. ]
It's an ongoing deal. I clean up their shit every week, I get paid back with stuff like this. It should really be more than once a week, but I didn't want to push it.
[ who fucking knows how often he thinks the market needs to be cleaned per week. ]
Was there a spot you saw last time where you want to set up camp?
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stick a pin in the marriage thing. it'll probably come up at some point. for now, well, contentment's the name of the game. ]
Don't do more work than they ask of you. [ mildly, because, well, he's not going to judge the need for cleanliness, obviously. ] It leaves more time for other things, and especially if we need to take on something for someone else as another favor. [ now that erwin's back with two arms, he's going to pick up the slack too even though he knows levi doesn't see any of it as erwin 'slacking.' he needs something to occupy him, though. that's important. and if it gets them things they need (or want, imagine just getting something because you want it) then all the better.
he'll bring up his thoughts on teaching people how to fight again later. not now. ]
A general area along that way, [ with a gesture, ] but I didn't have a specific spot in mind yet, no. There seemed to be a few options depending on how wooded we want our surroundings, but there's a strip close to a stream I thought would be comfortable.
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[ not that Erwin can't clean with him, of course, but not everyone has the same kind of... uh, passion for janitorial work. it's probably better to just let him go in there and do his thing.
he glances off in the direction Erwin points at and nods, as if he would have said no to anything Erwin decided. ]
Your choice. We're celebrating you. Though if you want to be able to see the ocean, maybe less wooded would be better.
[ as long as no one bothers them, he genuinely does not give a fuck where they camp. frankly, he's not here for the nature. ]
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[ erwin will let him go in there and do his thing while erwin does whatever other work he can find, then with their very strange newfound free time (what's that?), they can be together. it still feels extra strange to not have to actively worry about things like constant scarcity on top of the danger and loss of people, but not in a bad way.
maybe, someday, they'll actually take it for granted. ]
I thought we could stay in the more heavily wooded area, then make sure our time used for exploration includes passes by the ocean.
[ there's so much to see and erwin wants to take in all of it, is the thing. and sure, he likes knowing the area and he likes nature, but realistically? he's also in it for the company. if he were on his own doing this, it'd be all business, in and out, not even lingering long enough to need to stay overnight.
this is luxury in a way people who've lived with actual-factual luxury would never understand. ]
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[ that actually works out great for him because more trees = more privacy, and his number one wish when it comes to camping locations is to be somewhere where everyone will leave them the fuck alone. the less visible their setup is, the better.
ultimately, though, it really is all about what Erwin wants. he wouldn't have it any other way. ]
I'll follow you, then.
[ as always. ]
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so yeah. the less visible, the better. levi following erwin is a comforting normal, their baseline, and it's comforting enough for erwin that he has to wonder how much it is for levi, who didn't have it for all the time they were apart.
for all the time erwin was dead. he forces himself not to think about it.
instead he forces himself to focus on the present and the task he's given himself. the stream he mentioned is close enough, and revisiting the spot proves his assessment of its comfort to be at least initially correct. satisfied, he starts to set things down in the most likely place. ]
I've started to wonder something about how being in this place and how the desires of others to go home would manifest.
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he's already unloading gear and starting to set everything up when Erwin mentions it, and he freezes, quiet for a moment while he tries to push down the dread that rises in his chest every time he thinks about going home.
he's pretty sure Erwin wouldn't say something like that in this scenario unless he'd come up with some kind of solution, though. the apprehension is automatic, but he trusts Erwin won't lead them down that kind of road right now. ]
Yeah? What are you thinking?
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because yeah, erwin has no intention of leading them down that kind of road.
instead: ]
If people find ways to go to their home worlds, it will upset the balance of power and how things work, presumably. However, more importantly, I've been wondering if it's strictly necessary for one to go back to their own world. We've all been brought here from different places. I don't see why, if it ends up being possible for people to go home, why they couldn't go elsewhere as well.
[ see: wouldn't it be neat to just go to some world that isn't an absolute shitshow, actually? ]
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he turns back to look at Erwin as he continues to speak, and realization begins to dawn on his face as Erwin's point becomes clear. ]
Huh. I never woulda thought of that.
[ that's true of so, so many things, though. this is the kind of shit that Erwin does better than anyone.
he smiles a little, relieved (but not surprised) that Erwin's come up with something that might be an alternative to going home. ]
I guess I gotta start trying to actually make friends then, huh?
[ lest they lose out on a possible new home because the other person thinks he's a dick. that would be pretty fucking embarrassing. ]
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levi always follows his trains of thought easily enough, and erwin doesn't need to elaborate more for the other man's benefit because of it—he huffs a little almost-laugh at levi's commentary, smiling at him in that slightly crooked way he only wears when they're alone. ]
I think you're underestimating people's current opinions of you, but I agree that we should both try to make as many connections as we can here.
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Yeah, I think it's more likely that you're overestimating it. Some guy just called me a bitch not that long ago.
[ naturally, he doesn't sound upset about this. he doesn't sound proud of it, either; he probably deserved it. again, though, unless it's Erwin calling him a bitch he doesn't care.
he starts to go back to unloading some more of their cargo, gathering the pieces to assemble their tent. ]
This seems way too easy.
[ or maybe he's just used to everything being needlessly difficult all the time? either way, it doesn't really sound like a complaint. ]
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I think the weight of that depends on whether he seemed like the type of person to call all sorts of people a bitch or just you.
[ did he just—you know what, don't worry about it.
as they work on the tent, he lofts an eyebrow. ]
A lot of things seem that way here. It's been a little harder than it should be, I think, to have sympathy for people who've found this place extremely difficult to exist in.
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He did, but I was probably also being a bitch. I'm not disputing the claim.
[ Erwin's other comment draws a scoff out of him; he couldn't have said it better himself. all he can think of as he continues to put together their easy mode tent is that girl he talked to on the network who said she was from Actual Hell and it still sounded better than the place they called home.
incredible. ]
Yeah, well, maybe this way they'll learn to appreciate what they have a little more if they get to go back.
[ if, not when. he knows he has the opposite hope of nearly everyone else here, but it's hard to feel bad about that. at least let Erwin stay here. in the end, that's what matters the most to him.
anyway, the tent is easy as fuck to set up with the addition of both clear instructions and neatly-labeled pieces, so they'll finish it fairly quickly. it's not fancy, but it fits two people and it will keep them warm and dry if it rains.
man, it would sure suck if that happened. ]
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[ ask levi to change? never. let people call him a bitch. that's erwin's bitch—wait. okay, maybe not worded like that. maybe worded a little differently. erwin's man is a bitch and he likes him that way. there we go. ]
Maybe. Some people will never learn, but that can be their own problem later.
[ said as they work on the tent, which is frankly very easy to put up, it's true, then plants his hands on his hips to survey (hah) the setup once it's done. ]
Let's get a fire set up and get settled in.
[ yeah, rain would suck. damn, being stuck together...in a cozy tent... wild. awful. truly. worse than that other person's hell. ]
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[ dismissive, but somehow still affectionate. sheesh, this guy thinks he knows everything, doesn't he?
anyway, as seasoned professionals at doing Outdoorsy Shit, it doesn't take them too terribly long to gather enough wood for a fire, but by then the sun is beginning to set, so the timing is perfect.
clouds do seem to be gathering, though, which he notices while lighting the fire. ]
Seems like we might not be able to get away with this for too long.
[ as if Erwin needs to be told; that guy probably knew what the weather would be like a month ago. once the fire's going, though, he retrieves a large blanket from their stash of borrowed stuff and lays it out in front of it for them to sit on. obviously, they're not just going to sit on the ground. that would be ridiculous.
and speaking of ridiculous, he takes a seat on one side of the blanket, pulls a crisp white cloth out of his jacket pocket, and motions for Erwin to sit next to him. ]
Let me see your arm.
[ not like, take it off, just hold it out or whatever. he's probably already done this a dozen times since Erwin received the arm.
sorry. ]
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the same smile that remains while the weather starts to try and catch up with them. he puts the finishing touches on the fire setup, exacting as always, and glances up at the sky as he settles into a comfortable sitting position on the blanket. it WOULD be ridiculous to sit directly on the ground, it's true. ]
Everything we do feels like getting away with a lot, if I'm honest. So either way I feel like I'm winning. It's a strange feeling, but I like it.
[ and... yeah, it's with practiced ease that erwin offers his arm over to levi. this is routine now, but definitely not an unpleasant one.
he likes the attention, but you won't catch him saying that out loud unless levi says something. not that levi doesn't know already, though. it's pretty obvious. ]
All yours.
[ is that some kind of bad joke... ]
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this is what it's like to have a happy life, huh? he's out here enjoying the outdoors and the love of his life is here with a brand new arm that he gets to clean and no one is going to get eaten or partially eaten or bleed out and die in front of him and it's fucking awesome.
he wastes no time in getting to work on Erwin's arm, carefully wiping down one finger at a time, down to every hinge and crevice and groove. it's probably not even that fucking dirty even after all they've done today if he's doing this shit every single night.
weirdo. ]
You better get inside if it starts to rain. Can't have you getting all rusty and gross already.
[ actually he has no idea what this thing is made of and it's probably something he's never heard of anyway. it probably doesn't even rust. can't be too careful though, right? ]
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erwin's wary of getting used to good things and having them taken away, but it's so hard to not just enjoy what they have so frankly he's stopped trying to do that part (and even when he did try, it wasn't very long or very intensely). it's just a matter of never taking anything for granted.
and even just having this arm is a wonder: he watches levi clean it and still has a sense of wonder over it, how he can move the fingers like he did before he lost his original arm. he doesn't understand the technology of it, though he'd like to, and he intends to ask about it now that he's more used to having it.
he does snort at the commentary though, soft and fond, and grants a nod. ]
Of course. I'll do my best to not get rusty and gross. We should probably both get inside either way if it starts, since we can.
[ for now though, he's still content to relax here even with the threat of it overhead. as far as threats go, it's pretty low-stakes. ]
1/2
[ he's full of shit, obviously, but he's straight-faced as always while he gradually moves up Erwin's arm. as he applies the finishing touches, he finally sighs, and he's back to being genuine. ]
I can't believe I finally get to sleep with you.
[ just give it a second. ]
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[ fuck. ]
Next to you. Sleep next to you, is what I meant, I didn't—I don't just, assume—I mean, not that I don't want t—
[ at this point his words just blur into a pained groan, hands moving to cover his own face in embarrassment (while still keeping the cleaning cloth gingerly away from his face, of course).
god damn it. why does he ever open his mouth?? ]
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[ just as straight-faced, holding still the entire time levi works.
he only pauses for a brief moment at the first statement, but when levi overcorrects and it's clear he's embarrassed erwin smiles, albeit looking a little flustered, and grips levi's wrists to draw his hands down from his face so he can press a kiss to his mouth, slow and fond and affectionate. ]
I understood what you meant, but that doesn't mean I'm opposed to other definitions.
[ a little teasing, maybe, but only a little. ]
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he scowls in frustration when one lands on his face. ugh. ]
Shit. You go ahead and get inside. I'll pick this stuff up.
[ reluctant as he is to shoo Erwin away, he does pick up their blanket when he can and shake it out a few times before folding it back up. after that he'll follow Erwin into the tent, leaving the blanket in the corner because it is the dirt blanket and they are not sleeping with a dirt blanket.
it's pretty nice not to be truly roughing it in that way. clean blankets only. how luxurious.
he leaves his shoes in the far corner, too, because the only thing worse than dirty shoes is muddy shoes. with all that out of the way, he settles himself in and starts fussing with the aforementioned clean blankets. 'fidgeting' would probably be a better word, actually; he looks like he isn't quite sure what to do with himself.
probably because he doesn't. it's not discomfort, it's just... something else. ]
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it's weird to be able to actually pick his battles, but he does like it, even if he rolls his eyes fondly as he heads into the tent, tucking his shoes in the corner as well in the space that will soon be designated Dirty Things Area, which, fair enough.
by the time levi gets back and moves to the 'fiddling with things' stage, erwin's settled in and sitting—he seems thoughtful, like he's working through a problem and moving toward a solution. except it's not a 'problem,' it's the current situation and making everyone (all two of them) involved as relaxed and comfortable as possible.
eventually, he braces his weight on the prosthetic hand, leans over toward levi, and catches his chin gently with the other to steal that previously-interrupted-by-rain kiss. ]
I think, between the two of us, we can figure something out. We've always worked well together.
[ it's unclear if he thinks he's being some kind of smooth operator or if he's just genuinely as earnest as this about it. ]
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I know. It's just, I never—
[ well. it's pretty obvious, isn't it? it doesn't take an Erwin Smith-caliber brain to be able to arrive at this conclusion. it's not a point of embarrassment for him, really; complete apathy for what other (non-Erwin) people think about him aside, it's also just none of anyone else's fucking business, and even if he had a love life he wouldn't be talking to other people about it at all.
the only reason it would ever come up is an impossible situation like this, and now here they are. he blows out a sigh, frustrated with himself, and lets his forehead drop down onto their clasped hands. ]
I'm sorry. I'm so bad at telling you how I feel, and then I have an opportunity like this where I could try to show you instead but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing there, either.
[ the inexperience comes down to this: before Erwin there wasn't anyone he ever wanted, and after Erwin was gone there wouldn't be anyone ever again. that was it.
and then this place happened. ]
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with that said, having levi's hands atop his own makes him smile; he brushes his thumb along levi's jaw gently, and the look he's giving him is undeniably, unmistakably adoring. it would be gross if anyone else were around, but since it's just them it's probably fine. ]
I didn't really devote any time to it myself.
[ an easy, more relaxed way to put it, because continuing to be relaxed is something he hopes is going to help levi relax more in turn. he's hopeful, since his previous statement had already helped slightly.
the apology gives him brief pause though, and his head tilts—then he's tipping it down to kiss the crown of levi's head before he guides his head back up to aim the next for his mouth again. ]
You don't have to rely on either of those things for me to know how you feel. If I didn't know by now, I wouldn't deserve those feelings.
[ see: if he's ever that stupid, please dump him. not that it'd ever happen, but the statement is out there.
he shifts, letting that same hand just cup the side of levi's neck. another kiss, another murmur, this one against his mouth. ]
Just let it be what it is, an extension of what we already know and have. It doesn't need to be a grand gesture or a message to tell me something I haven't already seen and felt.
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an extension... somehow, it just instantly makes sense. how does Erwin always know exactly what to say?
his hands find Erwin's face before he really even has a chance to think about it (that's how Ackerman reflexes work, obviously, everyone knows that) and this time he initiates the kiss himself—not exactly confident, but certainly not hesitant, either.
he pauses only so he can speak, quiet and breathless against Erwin's mouth. ]
I love you.
[ sure, he doesn't have to rely on words, but some words still need to be said. ]
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but he leans into levi's touch easily, into the renewed kiss, and smiles against his mouth, into the affection, over the way he sounds just as quiet and breathless as the younger man when he responds. ]
I love you too.
[ they don't have to say it. but saying things aloud gives them weight too, makes them tangible and permanent in the universe, impossible to take away or for their darkest hours to tell them weren't real or never happened.
it's a gift, a promise, an oath, and erwin will say it over and over until nothing exists around them anymore and then keep saying it even longer.
maybe that's dramatic. but that's alright, erwin's pretty good at dramatics. the one hand stays at his neck; the other drifts to levi's waist, grounding and weighted. ]
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this isn't the time for that kind of morose nonsense, though. what he does or doesn't deserve is irrelevant. it's what Erwin deserves that's important, and Erwin deserves everything: his entire body, his entire heart, every second of his attention and every ounce of his love.
the truth is that Erwin would still have all of those things even if he didn't deserve them. unconditional love is like that.
he mirrors Erwin's movement, slipping one of his own hands down to rest at Erwin's waist. it isn't meant to be especially meaningful, but for just a brief moment something haunted passes over his expression.
this is where the wound that took Erwin away from him used to be, after all.
it's gone, though, and he doesn't understand how, but he doesn't care. the ghosts in his eyes are gone, too, and he smiles, closing his eyes, using his other hand to tip Erwin's head down to rest against his own forehead. ]
I'm so happy you're here.
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but levi doesn't linger in that haunted moment. levi returnes to the moment they're actually in faster and easier than he has in the past, and that—that's something erwin is grateful for.
he's grateful for all of it, but the speed with which levi can remember that erwin is in front of him solid and real without erwin prompting him is something special. they're making progress, and he's happy.
did he ever expect to actually be happy?
it doesn't matter; he is.
he smiles when their foreheads touch, when levi's admission curls between them warm and pleased. erwin nods, the movement minute, just enough for the younger man to feel it against him. ]
I'm happy too. To be here and that you're here with me.
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there was nothing like losing Erwin.
he doesn't regret the decision to let him go and he never will, but part of him died that day, too. Erwin is alive again, though, and he doesn't know how but if that happened doesn't that mean the part of him that shriveled up should be able to come back as well?
yeah, he thinks so. it already has—partially. maybe with enough time he'll be back to 100% and he won't have these moments where the grief creeps back up on him even as he looks Erwin right in the face. he spent so long wishing he could see Erwin's face again, but he had nothing he could look at. he can still hardly believe he can look at it whenever he wants now. for a long moment, that's all he does.
he slides his hand down to rest on Erwin's face, silently thankful that he has this chance to look into his eyes again. his fingertips trace down the lines of his cheekbones, over to his lips, and then he returns to the back of Erwin's neck to draw him down to kiss him again. his other arm wraps more firmly around Erwin's waist, trying to pull him closer (read: down) against him.
there's something a little more needy in his actions now. still not exactly confident, maybe, but he knows what he wants, and it's right in front of him.
somehow. ]
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and he definitely never, ever had a loss as devastating as levi losing him. it's something he can't and doesn't personally understand the weight of, but he understands the weight of the worry of it happening just fine.
still.
to be like this, here, alive and with hope for the future, that's something. and maybe the underlying ache of knowing what erwin left behind is part of his intensity now, but all the better for it. when erwin kisses back he lets himself be guided, leans down and over and braces himself just so in order to keep balanced and settled against the younger man while he revels in just being able to do this, to be together and have that needy intensity feel like it's going right to his head.
there's something intoxicating about it that he's unfamiliar with, but that's not a bad thing. figuring things out together is a positive, not a negative, and even when the kiss breaks so that they can breathe, he presses his lips under levi's ear, then along his jaw, then his chin, trailing along and making it clear that pauses in what they're doing, or at least in the level of what they're doing, don't have to feel like hesitation.
they can feel like what they are: natural progression. ]
I love you.
[ said just to say it because he'll repeat himself until the end of time. the hand of the arm he's not using to support himself now glides along the line of levi's hip and rests with a warm, firm, and solid (very real and alive) grasp as he spreads his fingers. ]
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he tilts his head to the side when he feels Erwin's mouth on his neck, a quiet sigh escaping his lips as he closes his eyes. if he didn't trust Erwin so completely, he'd be freezing up about now; there's a certain kind of lasting trauma that comes from being born and raised in a brothel which was itself in a slum, to a mother who worked there to provide for both of you and was rewarded with a sickness given to her by a client that eventually killed her. most of it manifests as compulsive cleaning, but it's no coincidence that he's never sought out anything like this, either. it was a number of years before he even came to realize it's not typically just a transaction, and even then he never found himself interested in anyone in that way. in truth, he didn't expect that he'd ever trust anyone the immense amount it would take to move past those painful memories, let alone love them enough to want to try.
then he met Erwin. then he tried to kill Erwin, and then he tried to kill him again. then he decided to trust Erwin, realized far too late that he was in love with him, and then Erwin died. the end?
nope.
he breathes an I love you in response in between kissing him and kissing him again, lifting a hand to touch the top button of Erwin's shirt. for a moment he just kind of hovers there, almost like he's not sure if he's really allowed to do this, but then he finally brings himself to unbutton one, bringing his other hand up to speed up the process in hopes the trembling will be a little less obvious. ]
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this, too, is new and fresh and exciting and a sunrise above all else.
the sigh is encouragement just as much as the way the younger man tilts his head is. it lets erwin know he can continue, so he does. the hand at levi's hip stays where it is but he shifts how he rests to free the prosthetic hand for use: by the time levi is working at erwin's button's, erwin's hit the collar of levi's shirt with the trail of his mouth and nosed under the fabric to continue, but to do any more he has to also undo some buttons.
(also new and amazing is being able to use two hands for things. he's really, really into that even if it's a different experience than it would be with two intact human arms. he's still grateful.)
he notes levi's trembling but doesn't comment on it. nor does he do something like cover levi's hands to stop it and take over the act of unbuttoning on his own. he's not going to infantilize or baby levi, because that isn't what levi wants. letting levi take charge of how he handles this means letting him take the initiatives he wants and letting him stop himself if he needs to.
erwin can step in, sure. will, if he has to. but he trusts levi, as he always has.
he undoes one, two buttons of levi's shirt, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat and letting it linger. when he exhales it's a little shaky, but not in a bad way. the best possible way, actually, if one must be feeling a little overwhelmed, is to feel a little overwhelmed by how much you love someone. ]
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someone saw people talking about christmas and got nosy in the library smh
'a thing' in that erwin zeroed in on it as soon as he saw someone talk about it on the network just based on the time of year, and then he did some math between calendars and realized, well, you know where this is going.
well, the general idea, not the exact circumstance.
their apartment is cozy. it's almost as overwhelming now as it was the first day they moved into it, but it's been long enough they're used to it. it's definitely lived in—potted houseplants, things that just are and have no practical use, knicknacks, the books erwin borrows from the library, an incredible amount of fluffy blankets and pillows even though the place is plenty warm enough with just one or two, and any number of small fiddly hobbies that have been taken up as erwin gets more used to his artificial arm and they both take on the maintenance for it now that its original creator has returned home.
all this to say is that today, On Levi's Birthday, there's a small potted evergreen on the windowsill with some flashy baubles on it and (literal) fairy lights erwin has done a couple of favors to get ahold of, with a couple wrapped presents settled on the table near it. the presents aren't a surprise, probably, owing to it being levi's birthday and they no longer live with a constant lack of everything, but the tree's a little questionable. 'just a seasonal decoration,' erwin had claimed. right.
more importantly, though, is the fact that as soon as they get home from the shops (presumably they went to go get the ingredients for dinner, what with the whole birthday thing and all), erwin plucks a sprig of some kind of ??plant?? from his breast pocket and dangles it over their heads, leaning down to steal a long, lingering kiss even though he's still holding whatever counts as a fairyville grocery bag with the other hand. probably a basket. ]
I've been looking into some of the other seasonal festivities lately.
[ sure, it's not the pose in the art, but that can come later on. more than one kiss is allowed, you see. ]
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his mother tried to make it special, of course, even though they had nothing. after she was gone, though, that was it. what's the point of celebrating your birthday by yourself—and in such a filthy, joyless place no less? eventually he had a couple of friends who managed to find out when it was, and then they were gone, too.
after that, there was Erwin, who probably managed to suss out when it was before Levi mellowed out enough to admit it himself. maybe it annoyed him a little at first, when Erwin would acknowledge his birthday or even give him a small gift; he softened to it every year, though, and to Erwin. and when Erwin was gone, he was far too broken to give a shit about his own birthday.
he'd celebrate Erwin's birthday—for some definition of 'celebrate'—alone, every October. his own would come and go two months later. it didn't matter.
having Erwin inexplicably back means being able to celebrate things like birthdays again, though it almost seems silly when every day already feels like a gift. he doesn't understand what the tree is for, but he knows Erwin has learned all kinds of things since they've been here.
who cares, honestly? it's beautiful. he loves it, just like he loves everything else Erwin does.
when Erwin pulls a plant out of his shirt pocket out of nowhere and holds it above both their heads, he doesn't understand that, either. he doesn't have much of a chance to ask, though, because suddenly Erwin is kissing him; it catches him by surprise, but this kind of thing is always a good surprise. he slips his arms around Erwin's waist while he gladly returns the kiss, and once Erwin begins to explain himself he smiles, glancing briefly back up at the mystery plant. ]
I see. You know you can do that whenever you want, though, right? You don't even need a stick.
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[ he sets down the basket and looks at levi, tilting his head slightly, then smiles and kisses him again just for the sake of it. ]
As for the tree, I found out there are worlds that have an elaborate holiday on the same day as your birthday and as you can see, I couldn't resist. I'm still trying to work out what the tree symbolizes because there are a lot of conflicting texts about it all, but the 'spirit of giving' seems to be a constant.
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nothing, that's what. he can only benefit from this—provided it's in the privacy of his own home, of course. he's happy to return the second kiss and will continue to do so as many times as the weird ceiling plant grants him. ]
I hope you didn't find out about that the hard way.
[ he's mostly joking; if someone else tried to kiss Erwin he's pretty sure he would hear about it.
he glances over at the tree when Erwin brings it up; it really is beautiful regardless of what it may or may not symbolize. the thought of continuing to enjoy it every year for his birthday—of enjoying it together—makes him smile. ]
I'm sure you'll figure it out. Maybe it's just some other guy's birthday?
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it's another way that despite what others may say, and despite what happens around them, this place is still a luxury in comparison and erwin is more than happy to benefit from that.
his mouth twists into a smile and he shakes his head. ]
No, nothing like that.
[ and when levi smiles, erwin once again ducks to give him a kiss, again just because he wants to, and then straightens. ]
It could be. Probably someone important if such a large percentage of the world celebrates it. I am interested in what kind of person that may be, but I have a feeling they may be viewed so positively for reasons that may not make sense to us. A lot of things have been pretty mystifying.
[ it's not like he's not going to understand the appeal of a guy like jesus, but it will be a pleasant surprise when he finds out what that whole vibe was. not the religion part, but the being nice to people part. that's pretty great.
(he'll figure it out later. he's too busy right now.) ]
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[ it sure would be a shame if he had to kill someone on his birthday.
anyway, casual hypothetical murder aside, he couldn't even begin to guess what kind of person would receive such a wide-reaching celebration, either—and if Erwin doesn't know, then he sure as shit doesn't know. as far as religion goes, his only real exposure has been to the wall cult, and those people were freaks.
pass. ]
Whoever they are, I'm sure they have very little in common with someone like me.
[ he takes hold of Erwin's real hand and leads him over to their couch to sit briefly before they start to cook whatever the hell they're making for dinner. ]
If you keep that thing in your pocket like that, isn't that just cheating?
[ (he does not care if it's cheating.) ]