[ look at me, erwin's about to say, when that haunted look passes levi's expression. because with the touch, he understands what it means and what it's about. erwin can't quite believe himself some days that he's whole (insomuch as he can be) and here and alive, but he's long told himself he's not going to waste it.
but levi doesn't linger in that haunted moment. levi returnes to the moment they're actually in faster and easier than he has in the past, and that—that's something erwin is grateful for.
he's grateful for all of it, but the speed with which levi can remember that erwin is in front of him solid and real without erwin prompting him is something special. they're making progress, and he's happy.
did he ever expect to actually be happy?
it doesn't matter; he is.
he smiles when their foreheads touch, when levi's admission curls between them warm and pleased. erwin nods, the movement minute, just enough for the younger man to feel it against him. ]
I'm happy too. To be here and that you're here with me.
[ he's gone through a completely insane amount of trauma throughout his life, and he's still managed to make it this far—it's not an insignificant thing by any means just to have survived, but there are some things he'll probably never be free from. losing his mother crushed his whole world very early on, and he's lost so many others since then, but Erwin...
there was nothing like losing Erwin.
he doesn't regret the decision to let him go and he never will, but part of him died that day, too. Erwin is alive again, though, and he doesn't know how but if that happened doesn't that mean the part of him that shriveled up should be able to come back as well?
yeah, he thinks so. it already has—partially. maybe with enough time he'll be back to 100% and he won't have these moments where the grief creeps back up on him even as he looks Erwin right in the face. he spent so long wishing he could see Erwin's face again, but he had nothing he could look at. he can still hardly believe he can look at it whenever he wants now. for a long moment, that's all he does.
he slides his hand down to rest on Erwin's face, silently thankful that he has this chance to look into his eyes again. his fingertips trace down the lines of his cheekbones, over to his lips, and then he returns to the back of Erwin's neck to draw him down to kiss him again. his other arm wraps more firmly around Erwin's waist, trying to pull him closer (read: down) against him.
there's something a little more needy in his actions now. still not exactly confident, maybe, but he knows what he wants, and it's right in front of him.
[ comparatively, erwin's had so much less close personal loss than levi. he lost his father but in a different way, lost his soldiers but held himself apart from the kind of close friendships and ties levi had with his crew for so long that the most crushing part of his losses was the guilt of tossing fodder to his own dream rather than loss of companionship.
and he definitely never, ever had a loss as devastating as levi losing him. it's something he can't and doesn't personally understand the weight of, but he understands the weight of the worry of it happening just fine.
still.
to be like this, here, alive and with hope for the future, that's something. and maybe the underlying ache of knowing what erwin left behind is part of his intensity now, but all the better for it. when erwin kisses back he lets himself be guided, leans down and over and braces himself just so in order to keep balanced and settled against the younger man while he revels in just being able to do this, to be together and have that needy intensity feel like it's going right to his head.
there's something intoxicating about it that he's unfamiliar with, but that's not a bad thing. figuring things out together is a positive, not a negative, and even when the kiss breaks so that they can breathe, he presses his lips under levi's ear, then along his jaw, then his chin, trailing along and making it clear that pauses in what they're doing, or at least in the level of what they're doing, don't have to feel like hesitation.
they can feel like what they are: natural progression. ]
I love you.
[ said just to say it because he'll repeat himself until the end of time. the hand of the arm he's not using to support himself now glides along the line of levi's hip and rests with a warm, firm, and solid (very real and alive) grasp as he spreads his fingers. ]
[ the entire concept of intoxication is foreign to him, as a person who is inexplicably unable to get drunk and has never had any interest in (or money for) anything else that might have altered his consciousness in some way. even so, he can still say in full confidence that none of that could possibly be better than this.
he tilts his head to the side when he feels Erwin's mouth on his neck, a quiet sigh escaping his lips as he closes his eyes. if he didn't trust Erwin so completely, he'd be freezing up about now; there's a certain kind of lasting trauma that comes from being born and raised in a brothel which was itself in a slum, to a mother who worked there to provide for both of you and was rewarded with a sickness given to her by a client that eventually killed her. most of it manifests as compulsive cleaning, but it's no coincidence that he's never sought out anything like this, either. it was a number of years before he even came to realize it's not typically just a transaction, and even then he never found himself interested in anyone in that way. in truth, he didn't expect that he'd ever trust anyone the immense amount it would take to move past those painful memories, let alone love them enough to want to try.
then he met Erwin. then he tried to kill Erwin, and then he tried to kill him again. then he decided to trust Erwin, realized far too late that he was in love with him, and then Erwin died. the end?
nope.
he breathes an I love you in response in between kissing him and kissing him again, lifting a hand to touch the top button of Erwin's shirt. for a moment he just kind of hovers there, almost like he's not sure if he's really allowed to do this, but then he finally brings himself to unbutton one, bringing his other hand up to speed up the process in hopes the trembling will be a little less obvious. ]
[ having the period at the end of the sentence that was erwin's original life not be the end is still something astounding. mind-blowing. maybe, eventually, they'll get used to it. for now, erwin is still in the state of knowing how lucky he is and feeling every second of it fresh like a new sunrise.
this, too, is new and fresh and exciting and a sunrise above all else.
the sigh is encouragement just as much as the way the younger man tilts his head is. it lets erwin know he can continue, so he does. the hand at levi's hip stays where it is but he shifts how he rests to free the prosthetic hand for use: by the time levi is working at erwin's button's, erwin's hit the collar of levi's shirt with the trail of his mouth and nosed under the fabric to continue, but to do any more he has to also undo some buttons.
(also new and amazing is being able to use two hands for things. he's really, really into that even if it's a different experience than it would be with two intact human arms. he's still grateful.)
he notes levi's trembling but doesn't comment on it. nor does he do something like cover levi's hands to stop it and take over the act of unbuttoning on his own. he's not going to infantilize or baby levi, because that isn't what levi wants. letting levi take charge of how he handles this means letting him take the initiatives he wants and letting him stop himself if he needs to.
erwin can step in, sure. will, if he has to. but he trusts levi, as he always has.
he undoes one, two buttons of levi's shirt, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat and letting it linger. when he exhales it's a little shaky, but not in a bad way. the best possible way, actually, if one must be feeling a little overwhelmed, is to feel a little overwhelmed by how much you love someone. ]
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but levi doesn't linger in that haunted moment. levi returnes to the moment they're actually in faster and easier than he has in the past, and that—that's something erwin is grateful for.
he's grateful for all of it, but the speed with which levi can remember that erwin is in front of him solid and real without erwin prompting him is something special. they're making progress, and he's happy.
did he ever expect to actually be happy?
it doesn't matter; he is.
he smiles when their foreheads touch, when levi's admission curls between them warm and pleased. erwin nods, the movement minute, just enough for the younger man to feel it against him. ]
I'm happy too. To be here and that you're here with me.
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there was nothing like losing Erwin.
he doesn't regret the decision to let him go and he never will, but part of him died that day, too. Erwin is alive again, though, and he doesn't know how but if that happened doesn't that mean the part of him that shriveled up should be able to come back as well?
yeah, he thinks so. it already has—partially. maybe with enough time he'll be back to 100% and he won't have these moments where the grief creeps back up on him even as he looks Erwin right in the face. he spent so long wishing he could see Erwin's face again, but he had nothing he could look at. he can still hardly believe he can look at it whenever he wants now. for a long moment, that's all he does.
he slides his hand down to rest on Erwin's face, silently thankful that he has this chance to look into his eyes again. his fingertips trace down the lines of his cheekbones, over to his lips, and then he returns to the back of Erwin's neck to draw him down to kiss him again. his other arm wraps more firmly around Erwin's waist, trying to pull him closer (read: down) against him.
there's something a little more needy in his actions now. still not exactly confident, maybe, but he knows what he wants, and it's right in front of him.
somehow. ]
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and he definitely never, ever had a loss as devastating as levi losing him. it's something he can't and doesn't personally understand the weight of, but he understands the weight of the worry of it happening just fine.
still.
to be like this, here, alive and with hope for the future, that's something. and maybe the underlying ache of knowing what erwin left behind is part of his intensity now, but all the better for it. when erwin kisses back he lets himself be guided, leans down and over and braces himself just so in order to keep balanced and settled against the younger man while he revels in just being able to do this, to be together and have that needy intensity feel like it's going right to his head.
there's something intoxicating about it that he's unfamiliar with, but that's not a bad thing. figuring things out together is a positive, not a negative, and even when the kiss breaks so that they can breathe, he presses his lips under levi's ear, then along his jaw, then his chin, trailing along and making it clear that pauses in what they're doing, or at least in the level of what they're doing, don't have to feel like hesitation.
they can feel like what they are: natural progression. ]
I love you.
[ said just to say it because he'll repeat himself until the end of time. the hand of the arm he's not using to support himself now glides along the line of levi's hip and rests with a warm, firm, and solid (very real and alive) grasp as he spreads his fingers. ]
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he tilts his head to the side when he feels Erwin's mouth on his neck, a quiet sigh escaping his lips as he closes his eyes. if he didn't trust Erwin so completely, he'd be freezing up about now; there's a certain kind of lasting trauma that comes from being born and raised in a brothel which was itself in a slum, to a mother who worked there to provide for both of you and was rewarded with a sickness given to her by a client that eventually killed her. most of it manifests as compulsive cleaning, but it's no coincidence that he's never sought out anything like this, either. it was a number of years before he even came to realize it's not typically just a transaction, and even then he never found himself interested in anyone in that way. in truth, he didn't expect that he'd ever trust anyone the immense amount it would take to move past those painful memories, let alone love them enough to want to try.
then he met Erwin. then he tried to kill Erwin, and then he tried to kill him again. then he decided to trust Erwin, realized far too late that he was in love with him, and then Erwin died. the end?
nope.
he breathes an I love you in response in between kissing him and kissing him again, lifting a hand to touch the top button of Erwin's shirt. for a moment he just kind of hovers there, almost like he's not sure if he's really allowed to do this, but then he finally brings himself to unbutton one, bringing his other hand up to speed up the process in hopes the trembling will be a little less obvious. ]
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this, too, is new and fresh and exciting and a sunrise above all else.
the sigh is encouragement just as much as the way the younger man tilts his head is. it lets erwin know he can continue, so he does. the hand at levi's hip stays where it is but he shifts how he rests to free the prosthetic hand for use: by the time levi is working at erwin's button's, erwin's hit the collar of levi's shirt with the trail of his mouth and nosed under the fabric to continue, but to do any more he has to also undo some buttons.
(also new and amazing is being able to use two hands for things. he's really, really into that even if it's a different experience than it would be with two intact human arms. he's still grateful.)
he notes levi's trembling but doesn't comment on it. nor does he do something like cover levi's hands to stop it and take over the act of unbuttoning on his own. he's not going to infantilize or baby levi, because that isn't what levi wants. letting levi take charge of how he handles this means letting him take the initiatives he wants and letting him stop himself if he needs to.
erwin can step in, sure. will, if he has to. but he trusts levi, as he always has.
he undoes one, two buttons of levi's shirt, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat and letting it linger. when he exhales it's a little shaky, but not in a bad way. the best possible way, actually, if one must be feeling a little overwhelmed, is to feel a little overwhelmed by how much you love someone. ]
no subject