[ his tension (self-afflicted, importantly) instantly falls away the moment Erwin's lips are on his, though the flush on his face remains—and then deepens a little at Erwin's words. he smiles anyway, though, lifting a hand to touch Erwin's cheek. he looks pretty intent on kissing him again, and that's exactly when the first sprinkles of rain start to fall.
he scowls in frustration when one lands on his face. ugh. ]
Shit. You go ahead and get inside. I'll pick this stuff up.
[ reluctant as he is to shoo Erwin away, he does pick up their blanket when he can and shake it out a few times before folding it back up. after that he'll follow Erwin into the tent, leaving the blanket in the corner because it is the dirt blanket and they are not sleeping with a dirt blanket.
it's pretty nice not to be truly roughing it in that way. clean blankets only. how luxurious.
he leaves his shoes in the far corner, too, because the only thing worse than dirty shoes is muddy shoes. with all that out of the way, he settles himself in and starts fussing with the aforementioned clean blankets. 'fidgeting' would probably be a better word, actually; he looks like he isn't quite sure what to do with himself.
probably because he doesn't. it's not discomfort, it's just... something else. ]
[ erwin is also reluctant to be shooed away, to be fair, though he does acquiesce because arguing in the worsening rain sounds like a lot more effort than necessary when the stakes are as low as "erwin helps get the blanket back to the tent."
it's weird to be able to actually pick his battles, but he does like it, even if he rolls his eyes fondly as he heads into the tent, tucking his shoes in the corner as well in the space that will soon be designated Dirty Things Area, which, fair enough.
by the time levi gets back and moves to the 'fiddling with things' stage, erwin's settled in and sitting—he seems thoughtful, like he's working through a problem and moving toward a solution. except it's not a 'problem,' it's the current situation and making everyone (all two of them) involved as relaxed and comfortable as possible.
eventually, he braces his weight on the prosthetic hand, leans over toward levi, and catches his chin gently with the other to steal that previously-interrupted-by-rain kiss. ]
I think, between the two of us, we can figure something out. We've always worked well together.
[ it's unclear if he thinks he's being some kind of smooth operator or if he's just genuinely as earnest as this about it. ]
[ he parses it as earnestness, partly because he takes everything Erwin says in maximum good faith, but also because he's largely oblivious to that kind of thing, especially when it's directed at him. so, whichever way Erwin actually meant it, it sets him more at ease—as does the kiss, which he returns and then holds Erwin's hand there against his face in both of his own. ]
I know. It's just, I never—
[ well. it's pretty obvious, isn't it? it doesn't take an Erwin Smith-caliber brain to be able to arrive at this conclusion. it's not a point of embarrassment for him, really; complete apathy for what other (non-Erwin) people think about him aside, it's also just none of anyone else's fucking business, and even if he had a love life he wouldn't be talking to other people about it at all.
the only reason it would ever come up is an impossible situation like this, and now here they are. he blows out a sigh, frustrated with himself, and lets his forehead drop down onto their clasped hands. ]
I'm sorry. I'm so bad at telling you how I feel, and then I have an opportunity like this where I could try to show you instead but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing there, either.
[ the inexperience comes down to this: before Erwin there wasn't anyone he ever wanted, and after Erwin was gone there wouldn't be anyone ever again. that was it.
[ is is maybe a little of both but mostly the earnestness: it's not like he's made a point to have any kind of experience in this kind of thing himself, even when he had that definitely real crush on a definitely real girl or whatever.
with that said, having levi's hands atop his own makes him smile; he brushes his thumb along levi's jaw gently, and the look he's giving him is undeniably, unmistakably adoring. it would be gross if anyone else were around, but since it's just them it's probably fine. ]
I didn't really devote any time to it myself.
[ an easy, more relaxed way to put it, because continuing to be relaxed is something he hopes is going to help levi relax more in turn. he's hopeful, since his previous statement had already helped slightly.
the apology gives him brief pause though, and his head tilts—then he's tipping it down to kiss the crown of levi's head before he guides his head back up to aim the next for his mouth again. ]
You don't have to rely on either of those things for me to know how you feel. If I didn't know by now, I wouldn't deserve those feelings.
[ see: if he's ever that stupid, please dump him. not that it'd ever happen, but the statement is out there.
he shifts, letting that same hand just cup the side of levi's neck. another kiss, another murmur, this one against his mouth. ]
Just let it be what it is, an extension of what we already know and have. It doesn't need to be a grand gesture or a message to tell me something I haven't already seen and felt.
[ his heart beats a little bit faster with Erwin's hand on his neck—a little embarrassing when they haven't even done anything yet, maybe, but also probably inevitable. Erwin's words do calm his anxiety, though; he just nods, a quick and wordless indication that he understands while he does his best to take it to heart.
an extension... somehow, it just instantly makes sense. how does Erwin always know exactly what to say?
his hands find Erwin's face before he really even has a chance to think about it (that's how Ackerman reflexes work, obviously, everyone knows that) and this time he initiates the kiss himself—not exactly confident, but certainly not hesitant, either.
he pauses only so he can speak, quiet and breathless against Erwin's mouth. ]
I love you.
[ sure, he doesn't have to rely on words, but some words still need to be said. ]
[ erwin's heart's beating a little faster too. there's something to be said for anticipation, the knowing that something is coming, that spikes the pulse. even when it's pleasant—maybe especially when it's pleasant. erwin doesn't have much experience with anticipating good things, after all, so it's a learning experience in that way too.
but he leans into levi's touch easily, into the renewed kiss, and smiles against his mouth, into the affection, over the way he sounds just as quiet and breathless as the younger man when he responds. ]
I love you too.
[ they don't have to say it. but saying things aloud gives them weight too, makes them tangible and permanent in the universe, impossible to take away or for their darkest hours to tell them weren't real or never happened.
it's a gift, a promise, an oath, and erwin will say it over and over until nothing exists around them anymore and then keep saying it even longer.
maybe that's dramatic. but that's alright, erwin's pretty good at dramatics. the one hand stays at his neck; the other drifts to levi's waist, grounding and weighted. ]
[ anticipating good things is completely foreign—or it was, at least, until he was brought here and he got Erwin back. there's no dread anymore, no constant apprehension about their time running out. he treasures every moment they have together because it's something he's not sure he deserves.
this isn't the time for that kind of morose nonsense, though. what he does or doesn't deserve is irrelevant. it's what Erwin deserves that's important, and Erwin deserves everything: his entire body, his entire heart, every second of his attention and every ounce of his love.
the truth is that Erwin would still have all of those things even if he didn't deserve them. unconditional love is like that.
he mirrors Erwin's movement, slipping one of his own hands down to rest at Erwin's waist. it isn't meant to be especially meaningful, but for just a brief moment something haunted passes over his expression.
this is where the wound that took Erwin away from him used to be, after all.
it's gone, though, and he doesn't understand how, but he doesn't care. the ghosts in his eyes are gone, too, and he smiles, closing his eyes, using his other hand to tip Erwin's head down to rest against his own forehead. ]
[ look at me, erwin's about to say, when that haunted look passes levi's expression. because with the touch, he understands what it means and what it's about. erwin can't quite believe himself some days that he's whole (insomuch as he can be) and here and alive, but he's long told himself he's not going to waste it.
but levi doesn't linger in that haunted moment. levi returnes to the moment they're actually in faster and easier than he has in the past, and that—that's something erwin is grateful for.
he's grateful for all of it, but the speed with which levi can remember that erwin is in front of him solid and real without erwin prompting him is something special. they're making progress, and he's happy.
did he ever expect to actually be happy?
it doesn't matter; he is.
he smiles when their foreheads touch, when levi's admission curls between them warm and pleased. erwin nods, the movement minute, just enough for the younger man to feel it against him. ]
I'm happy too. To be here and that you're here with me.
[ he's gone through a completely insane amount of trauma throughout his life, and he's still managed to make it this far—it's not an insignificant thing by any means just to have survived, but there are some things he'll probably never be free from. losing his mother crushed his whole world very early on, and he's lost so many others since then, but Erwin...
there was nothing like losing Erwin.
he doesn't regret the decision to let him go and he never will, but part of him died that day, too. Erwin is alive again, though, and he doesn't know how but if that happened doesn't that mean the part of him that shriveled up should be able to come back as well?
yeah, he thinks so. it already has—partially. maybe with enough time he'll be back to 100% and he won't have these moments where the grief creeps back up on him even as he looks Erwin right in the face. he spent so long wishing he could see Erwin's face again, but he had nothing he could look at. he can still hardly believe he can look at it whenever he wants now. for a long moment, that's all he does.
he slides his hand down to rest on Erwin's face, silently thankful that he has this chance to look into his eyes again. his fingertips trace down the lines of his cheekbones, over to his lips, and then he returns to the back of Erwin's neck to draw him down to kiss him again. his other arm wraps more firmly around Erwin's waist, trying to pull him closer (read: down) against him.
there's something a little more needy in his actions now. still not exactly confident, maybe, but he knows what he wants, and it's right in front of him.
[ comparatively, erwin's had so much less close personal loss than levi. he lost his father but in a different way, lost his soldiers but held himself apart from the kind of close friendships and ties levi had with his crew for so long that the most crushing part of his losses was the guilt of tossing fodder to his own dream rather than loss of companionship.
and he definitely never, ever had a loss as devastating as levi losing him. it's something he can't and doesn't personally understand the weight of, but he understands the weight of the worry of it happening just fine.
still.
to be like this, here, alive and with hope for the future, that's something. and maybe the underlying ache of knowing what erwin left behind is part of his intensity now, but all the better for it. when erwin kisses back he lets himself be guided, leans down and over and braces himself just so in order to keep balanced and settled against the younger man while he revels in just being able to do this, to be together and have that needy intensity feel like it's going right to his head.
there's something intoxicating about it that he's unfamiliar with, but that's not a bad thing. figuring things out together is a positive, not a negative, and even when the kiss breaks so that they can breathe, he presses his lips under levi's ear, then along his jaw, then his chin, trailing along and making it clear that pauses in what they're doing, or at least in the level of what they're doing, don't have to feel like hesitation.
they can feel like what they are: natural progression. ]
I love you.
[ said just to say it because he'll repeat himself until the end of time. the hand of the arm he's not using to support himself now glides along the line of levi's hip and rests with a warm, firm, and solid (very real and alive) grasp as he spreads his fingers. ]
[ the entire concept of intoxication is foreign to him, as a person who is inexplicably unable to get drunk and has never had any interest in (or money for) anything else that might have altered his consciousness in some way. even so, he can still say in full confidence that none of that could possibly be better than this.
he tilts his head to the side when he feels Erwin's mouth on his neck, a quiet sigh escaping his lips as he closes his eyes. if he didn't trust Erwin so completely, he'd be freezing up about now; there's a certain kind of lasting trauma that comes from being born and raised in a brothel which was itself in a slum, to a mother who worked there to provide for both of you and was rewarded with a sickness given to her by a client that eventually killed her. most of it manifests as compulsive cleaning, but it's no coincidence that he's never sought out anything like this, either. it was a number of years before he even came to realize it's not typically just a transaction, and even then he never found himself interested in anyone in that way. in truth, he didn't expect that he'd ever trust anyone the immense amount it would take to move past those painful memories, let alone love them enough to want to try.
then he met Erwin. then he tried to kill Erwin, and then he tried to kill him again. then he decided to trust Erwin, realized far too late that he was in love with him, and then Erwin died. the end?
nope.
he breathes an I love you in response in between kissing him and kissing him again, lifting a hand to touch the top button of Erwin's shirt. for a moment he just kind of hovers there, almost like he's not sure if he's really allowed to do this, but then he finally brings himself to unbutton one, bringing his other hand up to speed up the process in hopes the trembling will be a little less obvious. ]
[ having the period at the end of the sentence that was erwin's original life not be the end is still something astounding. mind-blowing. maybe, eventually, they'll get used to it. for now, erwin is still in the state of knowing how lucky he is and feeling every second of it fresh like a new sunrise.
this, too, is new and fresh and exciting and a sunrise above all else.
the sigh is encouragement just as much as the way the younger man tilts his head is. it lets erwin know he can continue, so he does. the hand at levi's hip stays where it is but he shifts how he rests to free the prosthetic hand for use: by the time levi is working at erwin's button's, erwin's hit the collar of levi's shirt with the trail of his mouth and nosed under the fabric to continue, but to do any more he has to also undo some buttons.
(also new and amazing is being able to use two hands for things. he's really, really into that even if it's a different experience than it would be with two intact human arms. he's still grateful.)
he notes levi's trembling but doesn't comment on it. nor does he do something like cover levi's hands to stop it and take over the act of unbuttoning on his own. he's not going to infantilize or baby levi, because that isn't what levi wants. letting levi take charge of how he handles this means letting him take the initiatives he wants and letting him stop himself if he needs to.
erwin can step in, sure. will, if he has to. but he trusts levi, as he always has.
he undoes one, two buttons of levi's shirt, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat and letting it linger. when he exhales it's a little shaky, but not in a bad way. the best possible way, actually, if one must be feeling a little overwhelmed, is to feel a little overwhelmed by how much you love someone. ]
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he scowls in frustration when one lands on his face. ugh. ]
Shit. You go ahead and get inside. I'll pick this stuff up.
[ reluctant as he is to shoo Erwin away, he does pick up their blanket when he can and shake it out a few times before folding it back up. after that he'll follow Erwin into the tent, leaving the blanket in the corner because it is the dirt blanket and they are not sleeping with a dirt blanket.
it's pretty nice not to be truly roughing it in that way. clean blankets only. how luxurious.
he leaves his shoes in the far corner, too, because the only thing worse than dirty shoes is muddy shoes. with all that out of the way, he settles himself in and starts fussing with the aforementioned clean blankets. 'fidgeting' would probably be a better word, actually; he looks like he isn't quite sure what to do with himself.
probably because he doesn't. it's not discomfort, it's just... something else. ]
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it's weird to be able to actually pick his battles, but he does like it, even if he rolls his eyes fondly as he heads into the tent, tucking his shoes in the corner as well in the space that will soon be designated Dirty Things Area, which, fair enough.
by the time levi gets back and moves to the 'fiddling with things' stage, erwin's settled in and sitting—he seems thoughtful, like he's working through a problem and moving toward a solution. except it's not a 'problem,' it's the current situation and making everyone (all two of them) involved as relaxed and comfortable as possible.
eventually, he braces his weight on the prosthetic hand, leans over toward levi, and catches his chin gently with the other to steal that previously-interrupted-by-rain kiss. ]
I think, between the two of us, we can figure something out. We've always worked well together.
[ it's unclear if he thinks he's being some kind of smooth operator or if he's just genuinely as earnest as this about it. ]
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I know. It's just, I never—
[ well. it's pretty obvious, isn't it? it doesn't take an Erwin Smith-caliber brain to be able to arrive at this conclusion. it's not a point of embarrassment for him, really; complete apathy for what other (non-Erwin) people think about him aside, it's also just none of anyone else's fucking business, and even if he had a love life he wouldn't be talking to other people about it at all.
the only reason it would ever come up is an impossible situation like this, and now here they are. he blows out a sigh, frustrated with himself, and lets his forehead drop down onto their clasped hands. ]
I'm sorry. I'm so bad at telling you how I feel, and then I have an opportunity like this where I could try to show you instead but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing there, either.
[ the inexperience comes down to this: before Erwin there wasn't anyone he ever wanted, and after Erwin was gone there wouldn't be anyone ever again. that was it.
and then this place happened. ]
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with that said, having levi's hands atop his own makes him smile; he brushes his thumb along levi's jaw gently, and the look he's giving him is undeniably, unmistakably adoring. it would be gross if anyone else were around, but since it's just them it's probably fine. ]
I didn't really devote any time to it myself.
[ an easy, more relaxed way to put it, because continuing to be relaxed is something he hopes is going to help levi relax more in turn. he's hopeful, since his previous statement had already helped slightly.
the apology gives him brief pause though, and his head tilts—then he's tipping it down to kiss the crown of levi's head before he guides his head back up to aim the next for his mouth again. ]
You don't have to rely on either of those things for me to know how you feel. If I didn't know by now, I wouldn't deserve those feelings.
[ see: if he's ever that stupid, please dump him. not that it'd ever happen, but the statement is out there.
he shifts, letting that same hand just cup the side of levi's neck. another kiss, another murmur, this one against his mouth. ]
Just let it be what it is, an extension of what we already know and have. It doesn't need to be a grand gesture or a message to tell me something I haven't already seen and felt.
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an extension... somehow, it just instantly makes sense. how does Erwin always know exactly what to say?
his hands find Erwin's face before he really even has a chance to think about it (that's how Ackerman reflexes work, obviously, everyone knows that) and this time he initiates the kiss himself—not exactly confident, but certainly not hesitant, either.
he pauses only so he can speak, quiet and breathless against Erwin's mouth. ]
I love you.
[ sure, he doesn't have to rely on words, but some words still need to be said. ]
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but he leans into levi's touch easily, into the renewed kiss, and smiles against his mouth, into the affection, over the way he sounds just as quiet and breathless as the younger man when he responds. ]
I love you too.
[ they don't have to say it. but saying things aloud gives them weight too, makes them tangible and permanent in the universe, impossible to take away or for their darkest hours to tell them weren't real or never happened.
it's a gift, a promise, an oath, and erwin will say it over and over until nothing exists around them anymore and then keep saying it even longer.
maybe that's dramatic. but that's alright, erwin's pretty good at dramatics. the one hand stays at his neck; the other drifts to levi's waist, grounding and weighted. ]
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this isn't the time for that kind of morose nonsense, though. what he does or doesn't deserve is irrelevant. it's what Erwin deserves that's important, and Erwin deserves everything: his entire body, his entire heart, every second of his attention and every ounce of his love.
the truth is that Erwin would still have all of those things even if he didn't deserve them. unconditional love is like that.
he mirrors Erwin's movement, slipping one of his own hands down to rest at Erwin's waist. it isn't meant to be especially meaningful, but for just a brief moment something haunted passes over his expression.
this is where the wound that took Erwin away from him used to be, after all.
it's gone, though, and he doesn't understand how, but he doesn't care. the ghosts in his eyes are gone, too, and he smiles, closing his eyes, using his other hand to tip Erwin's head down to rest against his own forehead. ]
I'm so happy you're here.
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but levi doesn't linger in that haunted moment. levi returnes to the moment they're actually in faster and easier than he has in the past, and that—that's something erwin is grateful for.
he's grateful for all of it, but the speed with which levi can remember that erwin is in front of him solid and real without erwin prompting him is something special. they're making progress, and he's happy.
did he ever expect to actually be happy?
it doesn't matter; he is.
he smiles when their foreheads touch, when levi's admission curls between them warm and pleased. erwin nods, the movement minute, just enough for the younger man to feel it against him. ]
I'm happy too. To be here and that you're here with me.
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there was nothing like losing Erwin.
he doesn't regret the decision to let him go and he never will, but part of him died that day, too. Erwin is alive again, though, and he doesn't know how but if that happened doesn't that mean the part of him that shriveled up should be able to come back as well?
yeah, he thinks so. it already has—partially. maybe with enough time he'll be back to 100% and he won't have these moments where the grief creeps back up on him even as he looks Erwin right in the face. he spent so long wishing he could see Erwin's face again, but he had nothing he could look at. he can still hardly believe he can look at it whenever he wants now. for a long moment, that's all he does.
he slides his hand down to rest on Erwin's face, silently thankful that he has this chance to look into his eyes again. his fingertips trace down the lines of his cheekbones, over to his lips, and then he returns to the back of Erwin's neck to draw him down to kiss him again. his other arm wraps more firmly around Erwin's waist, trying to pull him closer (read: down) against him.
there's something a little more needy in his actions now. still not exactly confident, maybe, but he knows what he wants, and it's right in front of him.
somehow. ]
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and he definitely never, ever had a loss as devastating as levi losing him. it's something he can't and doesn't personally understand the weight of, but he understands the weight of the worry of it happening just fine.
still.
to be like this, here, alive and with hope for the future, that's something. and maybe the underlying ache of knowing what erwin left behind is part of his intensity now, but all the better for it. when erwin kisses back he lets himself be guided, leans down and over and braces himself just so in order to keep balanced and settled against the younger man while he revels in just being able to do this, to be together and have that needy intensity feel like it's going right to his head.
there's something intoxicating about it that he's unfamiliar with, but that's not a bad thing. figuring things out together is a positive, not a negative, and even when the kiss breaks so that they can breathe, he presses his lips under levi's ear, then along his jaw, then his chin, trailing along and making it clear that pauses in what they're doing, or at least in the level of what they're doing, don't have to feel like hesitation.
they can feel like what they are: natural progression. ]
I love you.
[ said just to say it because he'll repeat himself until the end of time. the hand of the arm he's not using to support himself now glides along the line of levi's hip and rests with a warm, firm, and solid (very real and alive) grasp as he spreads his fingers. ]
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he tilts his head to the side when he feels Erwin's mouth on his neck, a quiet sigh escaping his lips as he closes his eyes. if he didn't trust Erwin so completely, he'd be freezing up about now; there's a certain kind of lasting trauma that comes from being born and raised in a brothel which was itself in a slum, to a mother who worked there to provide for both of you and was rewarded with a sickness given to her by a client that eventually killed her. most of it manifests as compulsive cleaning, but it's no coincidence that he's never sought out anything like this, either. it was a number of years before he even came to realize it's not typically just a transaction, and even then he never found himself interested in anyone in that way. in truth, he didn't expect that he'd ever trust anyone the immense amount it would take to move past those painful memories, let alone love them enough to want to try.
then he met Erwin. then he tried to kill Erwin, and then he tried to kill him again. then he decided to trust Erwin, realized far too late that he was in love with him, and then Erwin died. the end?
nope.
he breathes an I love you in response in between kissing him and kissing him again, lifting a hand to touch the top button of Erwin's shirt. for a moment he just kind of hovers there, almost like he's not sure if he's really allowed to do this, but then he finally brings himself to unbutton one, bringing his other hand up to speed up the process in hopes the trembling will be a little less obvious. ]
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this, too, is new and fresh and exciting and a sunrise above all else.
the sigh is encouragement just as much as the way the younger man tilts his head is. it lets erwin know he can continue, so he does. the hand at levi's hip stays where it is but he shifts how he rests to free the prosthetic hand for use: by the time levi is working at erwin's button's, erwin's hit the collar of levi's shirt with the trail of his mouth and nosed under the fabric to continue, but to do any more he has to also undo some buttons.
(also new and amazing is being able to use two hands for things. he's really, really into that even if it's a different experience than it would be with two intact human arms. he's still grateful.)
he notes levi's trembling but doesn't comment on it. nor does he do something like cover levi's hands to stop it and take over the act of unbuttoning on his own. he's not going to infantilize or baby levi, because that isn't what levi wants. letting levi take charge of how he handles this means letting him take the initiatives he wants and letting him stop himself if he needs to.
erwin can step in, sure. will, if he has to. but he trusts levi, as he always has.
he undoes one, two buttons of levi's shirt, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat and letting it linger. when he exhales it's a little shaky, but not in a bad way. the best possible way, actually, if one must be feeling a little overwhelmed, is to feel a little overwhelmed by how much you love someone. ]
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