[ erwin thinks he should be at a part of his life where nothing makes him nervous. it's ridiculous to be nervous: they have a good thing going here and even though he feels a little crowded in his own head while he works out what memories go where, he'll get there at some point and it's only a little weirder than being taken to new worlds at all. hell, he's even got two arms here like he did there, and they're pretty sure it sticking around through the strange transition means it's permanent.
and he knows levi loves him just as much as erwin loves him, but he still feels like a teenager nervous about a first date right now just thinking about what's coming later in the day.
it really is silly, but whenever levi passes him by doing something, anything, his chest tightens more than it normally does when he sees him. it tightens even more when he can reach out with both hands to grasp levi's own as he draws the other man to where he's sitting, tugging him closer and just letting his head tip into levi's chest comfortably, eyes closed.
it's not a distressed thing despite the nervousness, but it is grounding. he uses both thumbs to rub over the backs of levi's hands just because he can. ]
[ it is a little bit weird when you wake up one morning and it feels like you just slept for a year because you dreamed for what seemed like actually fucking forever, and then you mention how weird it is to your partner only to find out the exact same shit just happened to him, and then you both have to wonder if that means it wasn't just a dream and you actually did spend almost a year together in a uniquely terrible place called Trench, and then you just give up trying to understand it because it doesn't make any fucking sense and you're not the smart one.
these things happen.
it doesn't matter that much in the long run, because they're in a better place now (in a literal sense, thankfully nobody is dead) and they still have each other despite everything that's happened in the three different places they've been together, even if two of them were shit.
it's fine. Erwin is here, and for him that means everything is fine.
when Erwin pulls him in suddenly he's confused, but he finds himself smiling anyway, gently squeezing his hands. ]
Well, most people who lose a limb don't just get it back, which you obviously already know since you're a genius or whatever. I guess that's pretty lucky.
[ even though it's strange, they're pulling through it like they always do. the point of the matter is they're together and they're going to be for the foreseeable future.
he doesn't want to think about anything past that, or anything that might change that.
it almost feels like a dream that the place they're in now is... good, especially in contrast to where they've come from and where else they've apparently been. it's a lot to deal with overall but they've ended up in the best place possible.
levi's joke makes him huff a breath and he lifts his head to look up at him from his seat, tipping up just enough to kiss him. ]
Well, I'm definitely not complaining about that part. I didn't even really think about ever being able to touch you with both hands, and now I can.
[ he doesn't blush more when levi kisses his cheek, thankfully. but he does lean into it with a low sigh, a content one that he has no trouble exhaling lately.
it's nice. it's nice like levi's smile. his hand reaches up to brush along the corner of levi's mouth while the other (the other!) settles at levi's waist, tactile and grounding. he needs the grounding right now. ]
We can both be lucky. Careful though, you'll ramp up my ego until my neck can't hold my head up for the weight of it.
[ he leans into Levi when he sits, just sort of basking in being able to do this still. it's never going to feel real, but it's not going to waste whatever time they get here together. it's a little more odd now that they know they've been elsewhere before, though. levi will probably notice those kinds of thoughts percolating in erwin's head, but he doesn't seem too worried about it at this particular moment.
no, instead there's a surge of affection when levi snorts. ]
Remember that, that you're not worried. [ smaller, quieter, with a short-lived anxious jiggle of his knee: ] You might make me see how you think about me yet.
[ he's just going to shake his head at the mere mention of Erwin's hypothetical ego. ridiculous. he won't keep scolding him about it, though; it won't work, for one thing, and it's also probably a little bit hypocritical. he doesn't have the best opinion of himself, either.
not like this, though. he's never known anyone so inwardly brutal. he hates it.
but it does give him an idea. he tucks his head in against Erwin's shoulder—he just fits there perfectly somehow. it's very convenient. ]
Maybe I can give you an ego that way. I'll just start thinking the way I want you to think about yourself. Constantly. How's that?
[ he already does this, actually. it's a flawed plan. this is why he doesn't make the plans. ]
[ it could be there. someday. but yeah, scolding never really does it for him in the convincing him department. it's funny: he believes levi immediately on everything he says except for when he says erwin is worthwhile.
those thoughts don't linger.
what does linger is erwin's arm wrapping around levi tighter than before and holding him close and the way his head dips against levi's like they're the only things supporting each other. maybe that really is how it works, though. ]
You act like you're joking, but it's already been working some.
[ he DOES seem to have fewer spirals into self-loathing despair lately, which is probably great. but it's definitely better to know it's not because of some other thing, it's because, you know, some of that fog is clearing. ]
Oh, you think I'm joking? I can assure you I'm not joking.
[ well. his tone is light, so it's hard to say. but when it comes down to it, if it's a question of whether or not he'll think about how much he loves Erwin all day, it's pretty obvious what his intentions are.
the second part of what Erwin says catches him a little off-guard, though. for a moment he has to sit back up straight so he can look him in the eyes. ]
he blinks a couple times when levi sits up so abruptly, but the question makes him smile slightly, tilting his head the tiniest bit as he gazes back. ]
Have I ever lied to you about something like this?
[ owing to their early interactions, he can't claim he's never lied to him at all. or lied in his direction. either or. whatever. what matters is he's telling the truth. ]
[ of course he doesn't suspect Erwin is lying, ever, but the thought of him having literally any positive emotions about himself has always seemed so out of reach that it's hard to believe it may have finally happened.
You've certainly been working on it long enough. I've always trusted your judgment in everything else, can I really say that's valid if I don't trust you on this too?
[ gotten by his own logic. he kisses levi's smile and touches his side. ]
[ okay, that? that is the thing he's been wanting to hear forever. it's another thing he failed to accomplish before Erwin died: making Erwin see himself the way he sees him. even just a glimpse would have been so much more than Erwin ever saw in himself.
the fact that he got another chance is incredible enough. but to finally succeed? there's not much that makes him feel happier than this. Erwin will sense that easily.
he reaches up to hold Erwin's face where it is and look him in the eyes. he's still smiling. ]
That's what I've been trying to tell you all this time.
[ he does sense that happiness, how levi lights up emotionally just from a tiny admission like this from erwin. it makes him want to chase that joy even more, to dip into it more and more and make sure levi never stops smiling again.
he breathes out smoothly, looking right into levi's eyes as his face is cradled. ]
Even if not for the rest of it, I know you'd never give up and what you dedicate yourself to means so much to me.
[ another admission, since what levi dedicates himself to is erwin. ]
[ it's not until right then that he realizes Erwin seems to be breathing slow and steadily like this on purpose, like he's trying to calm himself down. why, though? did something happen?
he frowns at the thought, opening his eyes again. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
you know what this is. mawwiage. april!
and he knows levi loves him just as much as erwin loves him, but he still feels like a teenager nervous about a first date right now just thinking about what's coming later in the day.
it really is silly, but whenever levi passes him by doing something, anything, his chest tightens more than it normally does when he sees him. it tightens even more when he can reach out with both hands to grasp levi's own as he draws the other man to where he's sitting, tugging him closer and just letting his head tip into levi's chest comfortably, eyes closed.
it's not a distressed thing despite the nervousness, but it is grounding. he uses both thumbs to rub over the backs of levi's hands just because he can. ]
I feel so lucky. You know that, right?
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these things happen.
it doesn't matter that much in the long run, because they're in a better place now (in a literal sense, thankfully nobody is dead) and they still have each other despite everything that's happened in the three different places they've been together, even if two of them were shit.
it's fine. Erwin is here, and for him that means everything is fine.
when Erwin pulls him in suddenly he's confused, but he finds himself smiling anyway, gently squeezing his hands. ]
Well, most people who lose a limb don't just get it back, which you obviously already know since you're a genius or whatever. I guess that's pretty lucky.
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he doesn't want to think about anything past that, or anything that might change that.
it almost feels like a dream that the place they're in now is... good, especially in contrast to where they've come from and where else they've apparently been. it's a lot to deal with overall but they've ended up in the best place possible.
levi's joke makes him huff a breath and he lifts his head to look up at him from his seat, tipping up just enough to kiss him. ]
Well, I'm definitely not complaining about that part. I didn't even really think about ever being able to touch you with both hands, and now I can.
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[ for the moment, he doesn't have any reason to think this wasn't the subject Erwin had meant to bring up, so he doesn't really mean to be coy.
he presses a kiss of his own to Erwin's lips. ]
So you were just thinking about touching me with the one hand. Is that right?
[ okay, maybe a little bit coy. ]
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it happens again though, with that 'coy' flirt.
erwin smith's face dusts pink as he looks up at him, returning the kiss but also just being flustered about it. ]
Well. Naturally I was. I had to be realistic, after all.
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he does kiss the blush on Erwin's cheek, though. ]
Sorry. I feel lucky, too. All the time.
[ luck doesn't even begin to describe it. ]
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it's nice. it's nice like levi's smile. his hand reaches up to brush along the corner of levi's mouth while the other (the other!) settles at levi's waist, tactile and grounding. he needs the grounding right now. ]
We can both be lucky. Careful though, you'll ramp up my ego until my neck can't hold my head up for the weight of it.
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good one. ]
Oh, right. Your ego.
[ he moves to sit next to Erwin rather than stand there, even if it is nice to have the high ground for a moment every once in awhile. ]
I can't say I'm worried about you having too many positive thoughts about yourself.
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[ he leans into Levi when he sits, just sort of basking in being able to do this still. it's never going to feel real, but it's not going to waste whatever time they get here together. it's a little more odd now that they know they've been elsewhere before, though. levi will probably notice those kinds of thoughts percolating in erwin's head, but he doesn't seem too worried about it at this particular moment.
no, instead there's a surge of affection when levi snorts. ]
Remember that, that you're not worried. [ smaller, quieter, with a short-lived anxious jiggle of his knee: ] You might make me see how you think about me yet.
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not like this, though. he's never known anyone so inwardly brutal. he hates it.
but it does give him an idea. he tucks his head in against Erwin's shoulder—he just fits there perfectly somehow. it's very convenient. ]
Maybe I can give you an ego that way. I'll just start thinking the way I want you to think about yourself. Constantly. How's that?
[ he already does this, actually. it's a flawed plan. this is why he doesn't make the plans. ]
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those thoughts don't linger.
what does linger is erwin's arm wrapping around levi tighter than before and holding him close and the way his head dips against levi's like they're the only things supporting each other. maybe that really is how it works, though. ]
You act like you're joking, but it's already been working some.
[ he DOES seem to have fewer spirals into self-loathing despair lately, which is probably great. but it's definitely better to know it's not because of some other thing, it's because, you know, some of that fog is clearing. ]
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[ well. his tone is light, so it's hard to say. but when it comes down to it, if it's a question of whether or not he'll think about how much he loves Erwin all day, it's pretty obvious what his intentions are.
the second part of what Erwin says catches him a little off-guard, though. for a moment he has to sit back up straight so he can look him in the eyes. ]
Wait, really?
[ success?!? ]
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[ the erwin growing an ego bit.
he blinks a couple times when levi sits up so abruptly, but the question makes him smile slightly, tilting his head the tiniest bit as he gazes back. ]
Have I ever lied to you about something like this?
[ owing to their early interactions, he can't claim he's never lied to him at all. or lied in his direction. either or. whatever. what matters is he's telling the truth. ]
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holy shit.
he smiles back at him. ]
Well. It's about time.
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[ gotten by his own logic. he kisses levi's smile and touches his side. ]
If you believe it, it's true.
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the fact that he got another chance is incredible enough. but to finally succeed? there's not much that makes him feel happier than this. Erwin will sense that easily.
he reaches up to hold Erwin's face where it is and look him in the eyes. he's still smiling. ]
That's what I've been trying to tell you all this time.
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he breathes out smoothly, looking right into levi's eyes as his face is cradled. ]
Even if not for the rest of it, I know you'd never give up and what you dedicate yourself to means so much to me.
[ another admission, since what levi dedicates himself to is erwin. ]
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good thing doesn't care. Erwin would know the truth, and that's really all he cares about. ]
Well, good. Because that's been you for a long time.
[ even after Erwin was gone.
he's well aware he doesn't need to tell him this, but he's going to do it anyway. ]
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I know. I knew all along, but somehow it didn't translate into actually thinking I was worth that devotion.
[ he considers. he doesn't need to say this out loud either, but he will anyway. ]
Even before... this, for lack of a better way to put it, I could never understand how I deserved it, but I'll try.
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[ he slides his hand back to tip Erwin's head forward and leans in to rest his own forehead against Erwin's. after a moment, he closes his eyes. ]
You know how I feel. I want you to know why.
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[ his eyes are also closed; he's breathing in and out slowly, evenly. ]
You make me see a lot of things differently, Levi.
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he frowns at the thought, opening his eyes again. ]
Hey, are you all right?
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I'm fine. I'm just keeping your opinion of me in mind when it comes to realizing I've been so slow to pick up on something so important to you.
[ a beat. ]
So, the usual.
[ wry. ]
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wait, what? ]
I dunno if I'd call it "the usual." I think you know me better than I do.
[ it just... took Erwin dying and resurrecting in another universe before he finally realized Levi was in love with him. it's fine.
he tucks himself back in against Erwin's chest. ]
Just accept that you're amazing and brilliant and beautiful already.
[ it's kind of a joke because he knows it's not that easy, but it's also a true statement. ]
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Mm. I just feel like I wasted time.
[ so they're on the same page about that part. he holds levi closer though, closing his eyes and pressing a kiss into his hair. ]
Too late for that now, best to focus on the present and future, right?
[ right. that's accepting his worth, right? ]
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