dirtdevil | noctium inbox

[ tea... with ice? iced tea?? holy shit. that's madness. but he seems to consider it anyway, mostly because Erwin suggested it—though if it really is that popular at the cafe, maybe they are onto something there?

he'll have to get used to the notion of drinking tea that's cold on purpose, but at least for now, it soothes his weird anxiety about leaving theirs behind. they can just drink it later.

absolutely mind-boggling. he smiles a little anyway. ]

Okay. I think I can live with that.

[ now he can do whatever he wants and still have a clear conscience. crisis averted. Erwin is so smart. ]

[ it is weird to think of drinking tea cold on purpose, but so many people seem to like it and it keeps the waste down, so... sure. he's willing to try it, and thankfully levi is too so he doesn't have to worry overmuch about it any more.

crisis averted indeed.

levi's smile makes erwin's smile widen, like it's just an involuntary (but welcomed) response to seeing it. it makes him happy and at ease, to be frank. ]

Good.

[ he kisses him again, hand cupping his face. he's really getting a lot of use out of this hand. ]

[ admittedly, he is also enjoying Erwin having an extra hand. or... you know. the normal amount of hands. he's still in disbelief that he seems to have been Erwin's primary reason for seeking it out. he would have been more than happy with one-handed Erwin—unconditional love means it doesn't matter how many hands they have, of course—but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't kind of awesome to feel both of Erwin's hands, regardless of where they are.

fortunately, he also has two hands. they're kind of tiny, but he'd still like to afford Erwin the same privilege. if you can call it that, anyway; he still doesn't really know what he's doing, but he sure is trying. for now, he rests them on Erwin's sides.

baby steps? baby steps. ]

[ erwin's statement about why he did it is true, though: the frustration of not being able to touch levi with both hands grew to be too much after a while. he'd become functional in other ways, the daily things he needed to do, but touching levi with two hands? impossible.

until now.

it doesn't matter that levi doesn't know what he's doing. erwin hasn't been in a situation like this in years, and he's feeling rusty about it. so it's good to get used to it again. with levi.

the hands at his sides are welcome and he shifts a little closer, not making any moves to break the kiss. the hand not at his face is perfectly comfortable resting against the side of his neck. ]

[ he keeps at it a little longer, not particularly eager to stop, but eventually he draws back, just far enough for him to be able to look Erwin in the eyes. they're beautiful, and for a moment he almost forgets what he wanted to say.

but once he gets it back together, he lifts his hand to Erwin's arm that's resting against his neck. he's not trying to move it, or even keep it from moving. he just holds on to it.

his gaze drops briefly, not focused on anything in particular. he takes a breath, exhales it slowly. and when he looks back up at Erwin, he's still not really sure what he wants to say.

so he just opens his mouth anyway. ]

I... probably don't need to tell you this, but I've never...

[ pretty obvious where that's going. he doesn't think he even needs to finish saying it. he just moves on. ]

This kind of thing is just... it always made me remember all the horrible shit that went on around me when I was a kid. The things people would do to my mother. I never associated it with love at all. From what I'd seen, they weren't compatible. It was just one person using another person until they got what they wanted, and then they fucked off. It was only a transaction. I had no interest in it.

[ he pauses, takes another deep breath, and then keeps going. ]

...But I think part of it was that there was never anyone I even wanted.

[ he gives Erwin's arm a gentle squeeze. ]

Not until you.

[ erwin watches all of this quietly, just taking in the look of him from the way his gaze drops to the way the muscles in his neck work when he lifts his head again.

it's about what he expected and he starts to shake his head until levi continues so he just listens instead, not wanting to interrupt something that's clearly important to him to say.

his arm stays still for levi to hold onto, grounding. when he finally speaks, it's low. ]

I understand. I don't want you to do things you feel uncomfortable about, first off. If you're not happy, what's the point?

[ he drops his own face down to press a kiss to levi's jaw then, processing what he said last. when he lifts his head, his look has the same intensity it always does. ]

You know? We could never do anything but sit together and I'd be happy. I don't need anything else.

[ a brief pause, because he's not discounting what levi said, just saying his own piece. ]

I won't lie though, I want you too. But only if you want to. [ a faint smile. ] I don't foresee us jumping in headfirst anyway. Too busy appreciating the small things of this life.

[ something that sounds like a sigh of relief escapes him at the end, even though there was never any worry there—even if there was, it would be worry that he hadn't expressed himself in a way that makes any sense, not worry that Erwin would be disappointed. Erwin is too intelligent (and knows him too well) to be surprised by any of it; he has to wonder if anything he said was new information at all. but even if it wasn't, it still felt important for him to say. in a way, he was admitting all these things to himself just as much as he was admitting them to Erwin.

it's not exactly a conversation he's ever had before, after all. some of it sounded weird coming out of his own mouth. but Erwin understands, and that's the only thing he cares about in the end. ]

I don't think I could ever feel uncomfortable with you. Not really.

[ it sounds like an easy statement to make—what are the chances Erwin is into some Weird Shit, anyway?—but even if that was the case, Erwin's presence is such a calming thing that he still can't imagine ever feeling insecure.

he returns Erwin's smile. there really wasn't ever anything to worry about, was there? ]

I do.

I feel the same about you. There's nothing I don't trust you with.

[ he shifts a little where he sits, pressing a soft but earnest kiss to his mouth and then pulling back to look at him. on closer look his expression is different though; rather than intensity and quiet appreciation, there's something openly adoring there in his eyes.

it lights up his face, really.

anyway, erwin isn't into any Weird Shit, he's basically into levi and that's it. it's a singular sort of affection, one he has difficulty putting into words. imagine, erwin smith being at a loss for words. ]

I do as well. We can take things slow.

[ it would be hard for him to complain that Erwin (for once) can't find the right words for two reasons: one, neither can he, and two... well. Erwin looking at him this way says everything he wants to hear and more.

he's doubtful that he can even come close to replicating it. emoting properly has never been a talent of his, and since expressing himself in words is also not something he's ever been good at, it's hard not to feel inadequate. Erwin deserves to know exactly how he feels, too. it doesn't seem fair. so maybe it's selfish that he takes a moment to just soak it in—actually, it's less of a choice and more of an involuntary reaction to seeing the man he loves look at him like he's the most precious thing in the world. it's stunning in more ways than one, and he has no idea how to reciprocate it.

so, rather than trying (and ultimately failing, he's sure), he just draws Erwin's face down to his level and kisses him. it's not bold, but it's not reticent, either. he may not know what he's doing, but at least he knows what he wants. ]

[ that's just how it goes sometimes, if sometimes means 'only this once so far.' erwin isn't used to emoting anything but fervor for missions or excitement about new knowledge. he's good at being stoic. he's not good at being in love.

so it's alright that levi soaks it in: just that is enough to tell erwin everything he needs to know about levi's feelings for him. the acceptance of erwin's intensity is proclamation enough.

he lets levi tug him down and returns the kiss in like kind, hand resting on top of levi's on his face. the other hand (imagine, two!) settles at levi's waist, holding him close.

eventually he pulls back just enough to murmur against his mouth. ]

Never change.

[ the good news (for some definition of 'good') is that neither of them is good at being in love. if Erwin isn't good at it, Levi doesn't catch it—he doesn't know any better, and he wouldn't care even if he did. Erwin likes to call it bias, but if he had a better opinion of himself he'd almost certainly be able to see it for what it really is.

it's something Levi won't mind reminding him for as many times as it takes for it to stick.

he lets his hand drop to the arm at his waist. once again, he has no intention of stopping anything; instead, he gives Erwin's arm another squeeze, as if trying to convey the opposite of when he froze earlier.

he smiles at Erwin's request. (or maybe it's an order?) ]

I won't if you don't.

[ that's why they fit together so well, probably. both of them are bad at it and use each other as a gauge and since they are, in fact, both utterly smitten, it works out for them because they appreciate everything about one another.

it's romantic instead of sad if you think about it that way.

the encouragement is appreciated. it's nice, and he carefully lets the pads of his fingers trespass under the hem of levi's shirt, barely skating along the bare skin of his side. he's still in the testing stages, but so far it's going well.

levi's smile makes him duck his head a little, pleased when he responds. ]

It's a deal.

[ it's not like he thinks Erwin has a lot of experience with this stuff under his belt, but surely it's still more than he has, which is literally zero. at least Erwin knows this, though; he undoubtedly would have known even if he hadn't been told. Erwin is extremely good at reading people.

also there are some things that are just really fucking obvious.

there's really no point in trying to pretend otherwise either way. it's probably still pretty clear to Erwin that he's nervous, but it's not a discomforted kind of nervous. he's a bit tense, but he's not shying away from the touch, even when it does wander into new territory. the anxiety he has about intimacy is far overshadowed by the love and trust he has for Erwin—he can only hope that much is clear.

so it's with that in mind that he leans in closer, lightly trailing kisses along Erwin's jaw and then just barely down onto his neck. Erwin's not the only one treading carefully here—maybe not for the same reason, but Erwin's comfort is just as important as his.

he's pretty sure he's not actually capable of ruining this with his inexperience, but he'd rather not even take the chance. ]

[ erwin hasn't been in a position like this in a very long time, and he certainly wasn't as emotionally invested then as he is now. here, levi feels like his world: there's no strife for them to go up against together, no looming disaster to spoil any time together.

instead it's just this: them, together, exploring one another.

when levi doesn't pull away erwin's hand slides up a little higher, but shifts to his back instead of encroaching on his side too much. his fingers splay flat and as levi's mouth moves, erwin's head tilts to accommodate it with a pleasant sigh, his eyes lidding.

it's nice.

when he finally speaks, it's quiet but confident. ]

We should move out of the city. Just us.

—Huh?

[ it catches him a bit off-guard, but it's less what Erwin says and more that his brain had already started to shut down. it was entirely on purpose in an attempt to get out of his own head—he didn't expect it to work, but he expected this even less.

he pulls back a little to look up at Erwin again. he didn't fuck this up already, did he? ]

To where?

[ by the way erwin cups levi's face with one hand and kisses him so fervently, it's unlikely that levi fucked anything up, just that erwin's brain was moving too fast for the actual moment at hand.

he speaks after a moment though, hushed. ]

I don't know. Somewhere with open space. Where we can be just us and only see other people when we decide to instead of the moment we step out the door.

[ so he wants to move out to be alone with his boyfriend. nice. ]

[ oh, okay. message received. phew. ]

Oh.

[ yeah, he might need another second to process this. his eyes widen when the idea sinks in, though. holy shit. he does not have the mental capacity to work out the logistics of this right now (or possibly at all), but that sounds... fucking amazing, actually. Erwin is an actual genius. ]

...Yeah. Let's do it.

[ erwin has been mulling on this for a while, since his network post really, and it's a solid, nearly fully-formed idea in his head by now.

an ideal too, to be honest. ]

We can build our own space.

[ he kisses him again, a little more intensely but not entirely overwhelming. ]

Maybe get some horses.

[ good god, he can't decide if he wants Erwin to keep talking or not. on one hand there are obviously better ways he could be using his mouth, but what he's saying is so...

well. it's pretty appealing.

for now, he makes no move to shush him. he looks Erwin in the eyes, hands coming up to rest on the sides of his neck. ]

Perfect.

[ erwin smiles, a real smile, and it's practically radiant. he's happy with the idea, and it shows.

when he leans into the touch, it's affectionate and almost needy. ]

Just us.

[ then he leans forward to kiss him. ]

[ Erwin's smile—his actual, genuine smile—is his favorite thing in the whole world, bar none. fellas is it gay if your bro's smile lights up your life brighter than the fucking sun? knowing Erwin is this happy just being with him feels far too good to be true. there has to be a catch, right?

if this is a dream, he hopes he'll never wake up. just us. there's nothing he's ever wanted more.

he doesn't even have time to smile back before Erwin kisses him again, so he just lets his arms slip back around Erwin's neck, pulling him as close as he possibly can.

that's the goal, after all. ]

[ the catch is that levi is stuck with him now for better or worse. erwin will never call it quits on him, so if levi ever does want out, he's going to have to break that bond himself.

but i don't think that'll happen.

as the kiss progresses, erwin places a hand at levi's hip to draw him in closer, almost into his lap. it's the only way he can get closer at this point. but the action, while smooth, is careful, so levi can get out if he needs to. ]

[ okay, well, the catch to the catch is that Erwin has already been stuck with him for years. he already follows Erwin everywhere—the only difference is that now he'll be expecting them to hold hands.

like. at all times. have fun with that.

for the time being, though, there's zero protest when Erwin draws him in. in fact, he breathes a happy sigh through his nose, because even if he is a bit nervous, this is exactly where he wants to be.

no escape plan needed. ]

[ there's nothing wrong with holding hands. erwin will hold his hand whenever the opportunity arises. with either hand, even. since he has two now.

two whole hands! imagine.

as things progress erwin settles levi against him, fingertips gentle at his side, idly touching bare skin under his shirt. it's affectionate, even reverent, and he draws back just enough to press a kiss just below levi's ear, testing. ]

[ two hands. turns out technology is actually pretty fucking useful. who would have thought. now they can hold both hands. wow. unironically incredible.

he's thankful for it for Erwin's own sake, of course, but he'd be lying out his ass if he said he wasn't a little glad for his own sake, too. feeling both of Erwin's hands on him is nice, to say the least. he's having a pretty easy time getting used to it; Erwin's patience and willingness to take it slow makes a huge difference, even if Erwin would have had his trust regardless. he's able to concentrate more on Erwin when he's not overwhelmed by his various past trauma, which is not something he was ever willing to even try with anyone else.

it means a lot to him. he can still hardly believe it's happening at all.

and unlike the first time, he tilts his head to the side—a gesture of both approval and trust as one of his hands slips up to affectionately tangle his fingers in Erwin's hair. ]

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