there's no reason someone who gets as little sleep as he does should still even be alive—one more thing to blame on bullshit Ackerman genes, probably. but needing less sleep to function is not entirely a good thing. he's left alone with his thoughts for far too long. it's something that he usually just endures on his own, but tonight is a little different.
the night before an expedition is always more difficult. how many of them won't make it back this time? the last time they ventured out there, he wasn't with them. Erwin lost an arm, and nearly his life. this time, they'll be together again, but this expedition wasn't going to be like the others. he'd tried to talk Erwin out of going, but Erwin couldn't be swayed.
an especially strong sense of dread keeps him awake.
he winds up leaving his room with no real plan of action, restlessly pacing the halls. a million thoughts race through his head, but in the end, they're all about the same thing. the same person.
as he passes Erwin's room, he notices a dim light filtering under the door. it seems he's not the only one who can't sleep. for a moment he stands idle in front of the door, trying (and failing) to convince himself not to bother him. there are a hundred things he wants to tell Erwin, but maybe they're best left unsaid.
on the other hand, this could very well be his last chance.
so he takes a deep breath and knocks quietly on the door. ]
[ erwin is an intuitive guy. he knows something is different about this excursion, has a gut feeling something is going to happen that shouldn't, that normally wouldn't, but that doesn't stop him from knowing it has to happen.
there are things one has to do in order to move forward, after all, damn the consequences.
this isn't to say he's thinking lightly of inevitable lost lives, of course. they sit heavy on his sternum, weighing him down, but all the same, they have to go. he has to go. he knows in his bones that he has to be there.
he's contemplating this, making mental notes and changes to the plans he's already gone over in his head dozens of times, when he hears the knock on the door. ]
Come in.
[ there's really only one person that would come to him so late, and he's always welcome. ]
[ spoiler alert: it is indeed that one person. Erwin already knows this, of course, because he's Erwin and because Levi doesn't sleep even on nights when he's not overflowing with anxiety.
'dread' would probably be a better word.
he slips inside and quietly closes the door behind him, turning to lean back against it in much the same way as the last time he (unsuccessfully) tried to talk Erwin out of this.
he avoids his eyes, just for now. ]
You should be sleeping.
[ pretty rich coming from someone who looks like they haven't slept in a month. to be fair, he always looks like that—this is just worse. ]
[ shockingly, erwin isn't surprised when it's levi. no, he accepts the company as he always does, looks up from his work to look at him and offer him a faint and knowing smile.
he's still not changing his mind and their discussion had been relatively intense, but as always—things return to how they always are with them. ]
So should you.
[ admonishment for admonishment: all the same, he gestures toward the other chair at the small table he's at. ]
Sit with me, if you're not going to sleep. Or sleep in here while I work.
[ there's a bed right there. no one is using it. ]
[ bold of Erwin to assume he sleeps in a bed like a normal person and not sitting upright in a chair like a fucking weirdo. even if he did sleep normally, though, there's no chance he'd be able to sleep in Erwin's bed, especially not at a time like this.
plus, when Erwin finally does go to sleep, he'd just have to get out, right? haha, unless— ]
It's a little more critical for you, though, don't you think?
[ oh, well. that's just another argument he's going to lose if he tries. he does move to sit in the chair, but the usually relaxed way in which he tends to sit down is nowhere to be found now. he seems stiff and uncomfortable, like he'd rather be pacing around again.
it's a lot easier to talk this way, though, so he stays put, at least for the moment. ]
Pretty sure that shit can wait.
[ whatever Erwin's working on, that is. he can just do it after they come back.
he's not sure which one of them he's trying to convince. ]
I doubt my sleep is any more critical than yours, Levi.
[ like erwin's going to sleep tonight. don't be absurd. though if he did it's not like he's going to make levi move, but anyway.
anyway. ]
Mm. You know how my brain works.
[ how it gets twisted up in knots at times like this and erwin has to slowly and methodically pull each thread apart and put it back into place. that's part of what he's doing now.
in any case, he's incapable of resting until every detail is settled. ]
Things have to be put together. I'm just going over some details.
[ there's an ache in his bones telling him that things need to be prepared for further ahead than he might've planned otherwise because he may not get a chance to later.
morbid. he's not going to say that out loud. he's not going to do anything but exude confidence in tomorrow. ]
[ plainly. the fact is, he's used to functioning on only a handful of hours of sleep a night; Erwin probably isn't.
he'd better not be, anyway. ]
But I guess there's no use trying to convince you of that, either. I do know how your brain works. Saves both of us a lot of time.
[ of course he wants tea. is that a real question? he stands again and moves to go make it himself, though. he's sure Erwin is more than capable of making tea one-handed, but he has two and he's also not doing anything, so it seems silly to let Erwin do it.
but even though he's done this a million times, he still moves a little awkwardly, like he's trying to rush through the motions but isn't focused on what he's doing at all.
he's running out of time and he's running out of ideas. ]
[ the observation that trying to convince erwin is a waste of time is a valid one though, and he hums his response to that even if he does glance up at him from what he's doing to really look at him like he's taking in every detail to memorize it, like he hasn't memorized those details dozens if not hundreds of times before via observation.
something is different from usual. he will admit that much.
he's back to work again when levi speaks though, and he pauses for it, fully mid-movement, before setting a paper down and replying. ]
[ erwin doesn't resume moving other than that brief bit with the paper for a moment as what levi said sinks in. then he turns to look at him even though levi's not looking back: the fact that the other man has paused in what he's doing is notable too, and for a moment, just a moment, where no one is looking at him, his expression is unreadable in an entirely different way from usual. the note of might-be-anger in levi's voice is clear enough.
finally, he speaks. ]
I didn't realize that being willing to sacrifice along with my soldiers indicated devaluing my own life.
You know that's not what I'm talking about, Erwin.
[ it sounds like he wants to bite back, to tell Erwin in no uncertain terms that he's not fucking around, but it just doesn't quite hit. he's good at keeping emotion out of his voice, but there's a threshold for these things, and we're well past it at this point.
is this really the kind of conversation they can just have over tea? it may not matter—he seems to have forgotten all about it. ]
And I know you haven't already forgotten why I want you to stay, so can we maybe just skip past this bullshit?
[ he doesn't expect to get a real answer either way. ]
[ another silence draws on, but it isn't as long as the last.
erwin, unflappable erwin smith, who told his troops to carry on fighting after he got his entire arm bitten off by a titan, takes a slow breath and it shakes on the tail end.
for once in his life, he really, really doesn't know what to say. it's a feeling he's not used to, not comfortable with, but this isn't a situation he can just push aside. isn't a person he can even consider pushing aside. ]
I don't know how to be any other way, Levi. I don't know how to change or what to say or even if I can.
[ it's not a good answer, but at least it's honest. ]
[ what did he even expect coming in here? did he really expect Erwin to suddenly and massively shift his point of view? did he think Erwin would change? does he want Erwin to change?
no. this is the only thing about him he would change. ]
I know.
[ quiet and resigned—unusual for him. it sounds less like giving up and more like accepting he can't win, and that it was silly to ever think he could. ]
I know. I'm just afraid.
[ he should have left that where it was. whoops. ]
[ realistically, he knows levi doesn't actually want him to change. that much has been clear for years now.
for a long, long moment, erwin looks at levi's back as he keeps standing there. he looks and he doesn't say anything and he doesn't know what to say, still.
at length, his chair scrapes gently on the floor because he's standing. then a few careful steps and he's behind levi. his hand hovers, briefly, somewhere near his waist, before dropping back to his side. ]
You aren't the only one of us who's afraid.
[ his voice is quiet. as steady as it always is, but quiet. ]
[ he's never known Erwin to be afraid of anything. of course Erwin doesn't fear his own death; if he did, he could just stay. Levi had tried to convince him, but even he knows that realistically that was never going to happen. if anything, Erwin is probably far more afraid of not learning what he wants to know.
that's probably what he's talking about right now.
finally, Levi finishes preparing their tea and turns around. he only has one cup, and he offers it to Erwin, avoiding his eyes like he knows something bad will happen if he doesn't. ]
Sorry. I should go.
[ he desperately wants to stay, but it's not about what he wants. it never has been.
[ the pause is brief; erwin looks at levi, unflinching, and takes the cup of tea.
he carefully, quietly sets it back down, and this time he doesn't let himself hesitate, doesn't let himself be such a coward that he can't even open his mouth to say anything but wishy-washy crap that doesn't mean anything.
he carefully but firmly takes levi's wrist, fingers curling around it so he doesn't step away. ]
Don't go.
[ his voice is quiet. it doesn't shake, but the words are barely breathed out. ]
[ he closes his eyes when Erwin takes hold of his wrist, further holding himself back from actually facing the other man. he could easily break free if he wanted to, but it's not like Erwin isn't aware.
this isn't meant to be restraint, though—it wouldn't work, of course, but Erwin wouldn't do it even if he were capable. that's not the kind of relationship they have, no matter what their respective ranks say.
(what kind of relationship do they have, then? he still doesn't know.)
Erwin's hand on his wrist is more like a 'please' at the end of 'don't go'. can he really say no to that? doesn't Erwin always know best? ]
I don't know if that's a good idea.
[ he doesn't know how much longer he can do this, either. ]
Edited (I'm not doing the thing i) 2025-03-14 01:11 (UTC)
[ erwin knows. if there's one thing erwin can always be certain of, it's levi understanding him, what his actions mean, what his words mean.
but he can't expect levi to understand what erwin himself doesn't understand.
he doesn't let go but he doesn't know what to say. or do, for that matter. at length, he just tips his head forward and rests his face so that it's hidden in levi's hair. which is maybe a little wild, but it sure is a thing he's just done. ]
Help me think of another way. We work best together.
he didn't expect to wake at all, realistically, but here he is, awake and surrounded by wounded and dying, all in distress. his first thought is that he'd never considered the concept of an afterlife seriously, but his second is that he can help.
he's bleeding badly from a wound in his side that's smaller than he vaguely remembers it being, but that doesn't matter. he can stand, so he does. he can rip long strips of fabric off ruined seats and wrap them around his torso using his arm and hip for leverage. he can't tie them off but he tucks them under other layers to keep them in place for now. it's not much, but it's something.
once he's at least got it wrapped in a few layers, not that it's going to help much long-term, he briefly turns his attention to the device on his wrist before deeming other things currently more important, such as providing assistance where he can.
because of course he does.
he does explore the place when he can, between doing triage to see who needs assistance the most (it's him, because he got hit with a giant rock and had a chunk taken out of him but apparently less of one than it should be) and doing anything he's able to.
it's when he's finally nearing the very front of the train that he sees— ]
Levi.
[ on a surprised rush of breath as he closes the distance between them in only a few long strides, wiping his hand on a bit of clean uniform before lifting it to touch his face like he's making sure he's real.
it can't be that levi died, so this place has to be something else entirely. ]
the only thing is, he's pretty sure he's dead. there was an explosion, and then there was nothing—and then he was here, on this train, surrounded by other dead people. some of them aren't dead, presumably, but everyone he's checked so far has been dead, so he's beginning to think it's time to just get the fuck out of here.
just as he's about to move on, he goes from looking into the face of one dead man to another.
it's impossible to put a name to what he feels in that moment, looking into the eyes of the only man he's ever loved. it's been close to five years since that man died. is this some kind of afterlife, then? if so, why are all these people dead again?
it doesn't matter. just for right now, he doesn't give a single fuck if they're actually dead, or if he's actually dead, or if this is hell, or if they were just on their way there. Erwin is standing there in front of him, touching his face with his remaining hand.
it's warm. his eyes are clear. his voice is strong. he's bleeding, but they're all bleeding. this can't be real, right?
he grasps Erwin's arm with both hands, like he can brute-force it into being reality. he stares in agonizing disbelief into his eyes, unblinking, as if the illusion might slip away if he closes his eyes.
he can't speak. he can barely even breathe. is he really going to let himself be fooled so easily and so thoroughly?
apparently so. his heart can't take the alternative. ]
[ everything fades to nothing around them, and it doesn't matter. nothing matters in this exact moment but levi's grasp on his arm, erwin's thumb brushing along levi's jaw like he's trying to convince both of them that they're really here. that they're together, that none of this is a dream (a nightmare, considering the location).
he exhales slowly and it shakes. and it's not a thing that happens, but—his hand is trembling slightly where it rests. he closes what little distance is left to lean down and press their foreheads together, not caring that the act of bending over is complete agony from the wound. he's put a jacket over top of the whole thing by now, sorry to the dead guy he took it from, so it's partially hidden, but they both know it's there. ]
I didn't expect to see you again.
[ quietly. they both know this too, what he means. and then: ]
You were right.
[ he should've listened. he knows levi doesn't want to have been right, but what's happened happened.
he's almost afraid to ask levi how long it's been for him. he remembers the exhausted lines of levi's face, just last night for him, but this is amplified by so much.
[ he hears what Erwin says to him, but he doesn't respond to any of it. he doesn't want to be right, and he didn't expect to see Erwin again, either, obviously—none of that seems important.
Erwin is dead. he bled out right in front of him. Levi let him bleed out right in front of him, because it was the kinder option. Erwin probably thinks it was some kind of logical conclusion based on the facts of the situation, or the likelihood of their future victory, but it wasn't. he chose to let Erwin die, so why the fuck is he alive?
is it okay to be happy about this?
the coat Erwin's wearing isn't his. that doesn't really matter, but it's covering up what should be a gaping wound on his side. when he pushes it aside and sees blood he panics all over again, even if Erwin's clearly faring much better now than he was that day on the rooftop. ]
I need to get you out of here. There has to be someone who can—
[ his voice is rushed and fearful until he can't seem to use it anymore. if he has to watch Erwin die again, then they really are in hell. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
idk what this is
there's no reason someone who gets as little sleep as he does should still even be alive—one more thing to blame on bullshit Ackerman genes, probably. but needing less sleep to function is not entirely a good thing. he's left alone with his thoughts for far too long. it's something that he usually just endures on his own, but tonight is a little different.
the night before an expedition is always more difficult. how many of them won't make it back this time? the last time they ventured out there, he wasn't with them. Erwin lost an arm, and nearly his life. this time, they'll be together again, but this expedition wasn't going to be like the others. he'd tried to talk Erwin out of going, but Erwin couldn't be swayed.
an especially strong sense of dread keeps him awake.
he winds up leaving his room with no real plan of action, restlessly pacing the halls. a million thoughts race through his head, but in the end, they're all about the same thing. the same person.
as he passes Erwin's room, he notices a dim light filtering under the door. it seems he's not the only one who can't sleep. for a moment he stands idle in front of the door, trying (and failing) to convince himself not to bother him. there are a hundred things he wants to tell Erwin, but maybe they're best left unsaid.
on the other hand, this could very well be his last chance.
so he takes a deep breath and knocks quietly on the door. ]
no subject
there are things one has to do in order to move forward, after all, damn the consequences.
this isn't to say he's thinking lightly of inevitable lost lives, of course. they sit heavy on his sternum, weighing him down, but all the same, they have to go. he has to go. he knows in his bones that he has to be there.
he's contemplating this, making mental notes and changes to the plans he's already gone over in his head dozens of times, when he hears the knock on the door. ]
Come in.
[ there's really only one person that would come to him so late, and he's always welcome. ]
no subject
'dread' would probably be a better word.
he slips inside and quietly closes the door behind him, turning to lean back against it in much the same way as the last time he (unsuccessfully) tried to talk Erwin out of this.
he avoids his eyes, just for now. ]
You should be sleeping.
[ pretty rich coming from someone who looks like they haven't slept in a month. to be fair, he always looks like that—this is just worse. ]
no subject
he's still not changing his mind and their discussion had been relatively intense, but as always—things return to how they always are with them. ]
So should you.
[ admonishment for admonishment: all the same, he gestures toward the other chair at the small table he's at. ]
Sit with me, if you're not going to sleep. Or sleep in here while I work.
[ there's a bed right there. no one is using it. ]
no subject
plus, when Erwin finally does go to sleep, he'd just have to get out, right? haha, unless— ]
It's a little more critical for you, though, don't you think?
[ oh, well. that's just another argument he's going to lose if he tries. he does move to sit in the chair, but the usually relaxed way in which he tends to sit down is nowhere to be found now. he seems stiff and uncomfortable, like he'd rather be pacing around again.
it's a lot easier to talk this way, though, so he stays put, at least for the moment. ]
Pretty sure that shit can wait.
[ whatever Erwin's working on, that is. he can just do it after they come back.
he's not sure which one of them he's trying to convince. ]
no subject
[ like erwin's going to sleep tonight. don't be absurd. though if he did it's not like he's going to make levi move, but anyway.
anyway. ]
Mm. You know how my brain works.
[ how it gets twisted up in knots at times like this and erwin has to slowly and methodically pull each thread apart and put it back into place. that's part of what he's doing now.
in any case, he's incapable of resting until every detail is settled. ]
Things have to be put together. I'm just going over some details.
[ there's an ache in his bones telling him that things need to be prepared for further ahead than he might've planned otherwise because he may not get a chance to later.
morbid. he's not going to say that out loud. he's not going to do anything but exude confidence in tomorrow. ]
Should we have some tea?
[ if they're not going to be sleeping, that is. ]
no subject
[ plainly. the fact is, he's used to functioning on only a handful of hours of sleep a night; Erwin probably isn't.
he'd better not be, anyway. ]
But I guess there's no use trying to convince you of that, either. I do know how your brain works. Saves both of us a lot of time.
[ of course he wants tea. is that a real question? he stands again and moves to go make it himself, though. he's sure Erwin is more than capable of making tea one-handed, but he has two and he's also not doing anything, so it seems silly to let Erwin do it.
but even though he's done this a million times, he still moves a little awkwardly, like he's trying to rush through the motions but isn't focused on what he's doing at all.
he's running out of time and he's running out of ideas. ]
There are some things I can't understand, though.
no subject
[ the observation that trying to convince erwin is a waste of time is a valid one though, and he hums his response to that even if he does glance up at him from what he's doing to really look at him like he's taking in every detail to memorize it, like he hasn't memorized those details dozens if not hundreds of times before via observation.
something is different from usual. he will admit that much.
he's back to work again when levi speaks though, and he pauses for it, fully mid-movement, before setting a paper down and replying. ]
What things are proving difficult?
no subject
[ there's something a little uncharacteristically unsteady in his voice—it's not the kind of thing anyone would notice unless they were Erwin Smith.
it almost sounds like anger.
he doesn't turn around, but the tea-making seems to have come to a pause. ]
no subject
finally, he speaks. ]
I didn't realize that being willing to sacrifice along with my soldiers indicated devaluing my own life.
[ measured, careful. ]
no subject
[ it sounds like he wants to bite back, to tell Erwin in no uncertain terms that he's not fucking around, but it just doesn't quite hit. he's good at keeping emotion out of his voice, but there's a threshold for these things, and we're well past it at this point.
is this really the kind of conversation they can just have over tea? it may not matter—he seems to have forgotten all about it. ]
And I know you haven't already forgotten why I want you to stay, so can we maybe just skip past this bullshit?
[ he doesn't expect to get a real answer either way. ]
no subject
erwin, unflappable erwin smith, who told his troops to carry on fighting after he got his entire arm bitten off by a titan, takes a slow breath and it shakes on the tail end.
for once in his life, he really, really doesn't know what to say. it's a feeling he's not used to, not comfortable with, but this isn't a situation he can just push aside. isn't a person he can even consider pushing aside. ]
I don't know how to be any other way, Levi. I don't know how to change or what to say or even if I can.
[ it's not a good answer, but at least it's honest. ]
no subject
no. this is the only thing about him he would change. ]
I know.
[ quiet and resigned—unusual for him. it sounds less like giving up and more like accepting he can't win, and that it was silly to ever think he could. ]
I know. I'm just afraid.
[ he should have left that where it was. whoops. ]
no subject
for a long, long moment, erwin looks at levi's back as he keeps standing there. he looks and he doesn't say anything and he doesn't know what to say, still.
at length, his chair scrapes gently on the floor because he's standing. then a few careful steps and he's behind levi. his hand hovers, briefly, somewhere near his waist, before dropping back to his side. ]
You aren't the only one of us who's afraid.
[ his voice is quiet. as steady as it always is, but quiet. ]
no subject
that's probably what he's talking about right now.
finally, Levi finishes preparing their tea and turns around. he only has one cup, and he offers it to Erwin, avoiding his eyes like he knows something bad will happen if he doesn't. ]
Sorry. I should go.
[ he desperately wants to stay, but it's not about what he wants. it never has been.
this is just the way it has to be. ]
no subject
he carefully, quietly sets it back down, and this time he doesn't let himself hesitate, doesn't let himself be such a coward that he can't even open his mouth to say anything but wishy-washy crap that doesn't mean anything.
he carefully but firmly takes levi's wrist, fingers curling around it so he doesn't step away. ]
Don't go.
[ his voice is quiet. it doesn't shake, but the words are barely breathed out. ]
no subject
this isn't meant to be restraint, though—it wouldn't work, of course, but Erwin wouldn't do it even if he were capable. that's not the kind of relationship they have, no matter what their respective ranks say.
(what kind of relationship do they have, then? he still doesn't know.)
Erwin's hand on his wrist is more like a 'please' at the end of 'don't go'. can he really say no to that? doesn't Erwin always know best? ]
I don't know if that's a good idea.
[ he doesn't know how much longer he can do this, either. ]
no subject
but he can't expect levi to understand what erwin himself doesn't understand.
he doesn't let go but he doesn't know what to say. or do, for that matter. at length, he just tips his head forward and rests his face so that it's hidden in levi's hair. which is maybe a little wild, but it sure is a thing he's just done. ]
Help me think of another way. We work best together.
makes this post a catchall for this stuff
he didn't expect to wake at all, realistically, but here he is, awake and surrounded by wounded and dying, all in distress. his first thought is that he'd never considered the concept of an afterlife seriously, but his second is that he can help.
he's bleeding badly from a wound in his side that's smaller than he vaguely remembers it being, but that doesn't matter. he can stand, so he does. he can rip long strips of fabric off ruined seats and wrap them around his torso using his arm and hip for leverage. he can't tie them off but he tucks them under other layers to keep them in place for now. it's not much, but it's something.
once he's at least got it wrapped in a few layers, not that it's going to help much long-term, he briefly turns his attention to the device on his wrist before deeming other things currently more important, such as providing assistance where he can.
because of course he does.
he does explore the place when he can, between doing triage to see who needs assistance the most (it's him, because he got hit with a giant rock and had a chunk taken out of him but apparently less of one than it should be) and doing anything he's able to.
it's when he's finally nearing the very front of the train that he sees— ]
Levi.
[ on a surprised rush of breath as he closes the distance between them in only a few long strides, wiping his hand on a bit of clean uniform before lifting it to touch his face like he's making sure he's real.
it can't be that levi died, so this place has to be something else entirely. ]
no subject
the only thing is, he's pretty sure he's dead. there was an explosion, and then there was nothing—and then he was here, on this train, surrounded by other dead people. some of them aren't dead, presumably, but everyone he's checked so far has been dead, so he's beginning to think it's time to just get the fuck out of here.
just as he's about to move on, he goes from looking into the face of one dead man to another.
it's impossible to put a name to what he feels in that moment, looking into the eyes of the only man he's ever loved. it's been close to five years since that man died. is this some kind of afterlife, then? if so, why are all these people dead again?
it doesn't matter. just for right now, he doesn't give a single fuck if they're actually dead, or if he's actually dead, or if this is hell, or if they were just on their way there. Erwin is standing there in front of him, touching his face with his remaining hand.
it's warm. his eyes are clear. his voice is strong. he's bleeding, but they're all bleeding. this can't be real, right?
he grasps Erwin's arm with both hands, like he can brute-force it into being reality. he stares in agonizing disbelief into his eyes, unblinking, as if the illusion might slip away if he closes his eyes.
he can't speak. he can barely even breathe. is he really going to let himself be fooled so easily and so thoroughly?
apparently so. his heart can't take the alternative. ]
no subject
he exhales slowly and it shakes. and it's not a thing that happens, but—his hand is trembling slightly where it rests. he closes what little distance is left to lean down and press their foreheads together, not caring that the act of bending over is complete agony from the wound. he's put a jacket over top of the whole thing by now, sorry to the dead guy he took it from, so it's partially hidden, but they both know it's there. ]
I didn't expect to see you again.
[ quietly. they both know this too, what he means. and then: ]
You were right.
[ he should've listened. he knows levi doesn't want to have been right, but what's happened happened.
he's almost afraid to ask levi how long it's been for him. he remembers the exhausted lines of levi's face, just last night for him, but this is amplified by so much.
how long does he have to atone for? ]
no subject
Erwin is dead. he bled out right in front of him. Levi let him bleed out right in front of him, because it was the kinder option. Erwin probably thinks it was some kind of logical conclusion based on the facts of the situation, or the likelihood of their future victory, but it wasn't. he chose to let Erwin die, so why the fuck is he alive?
is it okay to be happy about this?
the coat Erwin's wearing isn't his. that doesn't really matter, but it's covering up what should be a gaping wound on his side. when he pushes it aside and sees blood he panics all over again, even if Erwin's clearly faring much better now than he was that day on the rooftop. ]
I need to get you out of here. There has to be someone who can—
[ his voice is rushed and fearful until he can't seem to use it anymore. if he has to watch Erwin die again, then they really are in hell. ]