[ erwin doesn't resume moving other than that brief bit with the paper for a moment as what levi said sinks in. then he turns to look at him even though levi's not looking back: the fact that the other man has paused in what he's doing is notable too, and for a moment, just a moment, where no one is looking at him, his expression is unreadable in an entirely different way from usual. the note of might-be-anger in levi's voice is clear enough.
finally, he speaks. ]
I didn't realize that being willing to sacrifice along with my soldiers indicated devaluing my own life.
You know that's not what I'm talking about, Erwin.
[ it sounds like he wants to bite back, to tell Erwin in no uncertain terms that he's not fucking around, but it just doesn't quite hit. he's good at keeping emotion out of his voice, but there's a threshold for these things, and we're well past it at this point.
is this really the kind of conversation they can just have over tea? it may not matter—he seems to have forgotten all about it. ]
And I know you haven't already forgotten why I want you to stay, so can we maybe just skip past this bullshit?
[ he doesn't expect to get a real answer either way. ]
[ another silence draws on, but it isn't as long as the last.
erwin, unflappable erwin smith, who told his troops to carry on fighting after he got his entire arm bitten off by a titan, takes a slow breath and it shakes on the tail end.
for once in his life, he really, really doesn't know what to say. it's a feeling he's not used to, not comfortable with, but this isn't a situation he can just push aside. isn't a person he can even consider pushing aside. ]
I don't know how to be any other way, Levi. I don't know how to change or what to say or even if I can.
[ it's not a good answer, but at least it's honest. ]
[ what did he even expect coming in here? did he really expect Erwin to suddenly and massively shift his point of view? did he think Erwin would change? does he want Erwin to change?
no. this is the only thing about him he would change. ]
I know.
[ quiet and resigned—unusual for him. it sounds less like giving up and more like accepting he can't win, and that it was silly to ever think he could. ]
I know. I'm just afraid.
[ he should have left that where it was. whoops. ]
[ realistically, he knows levi doesn't actually want him to change. that much has been clear for years now.
for a long, long moment, erwin looks at levi's back as he keeps standing there. he looks and he doesn't say anything and he doesn't know what to say, still.
at length, his chair scrapes gently on the floor because he's standing. then a few careful steps and he's behind levi. his hand hovers, briefly, somewhere near his waist, before dropping back to his side. ]
You aren't the only one of us who's afraid.
[ his voice is quiet. as steady as it always is, but quiet. ]
[ he's never known Erwin to be afraid of anything. of course Erwin doesn't fear his own death; if he did, he could just stay. Levi had tried to convince him, but even he knows that realistically that was never going to happen. if anything, Erwin is probably far more afraid of not learning what he wants to know.
that's probably what he's talking about right now.
finally, Levi finishes preparing their tea and turns around. he only has one cup, and he offers it to Erwin, avoiding his eyes like he knows something bad will happen if he doesn't. ]
Sorry. I should go.
[ he desperately wants to stay, but it's not about what he wants. it never has been.
[ the pause is brief; erwin looks at levi, unflinching, and takes the cup of tea.
he carefully, quietly sets it back down, and this time he doesn't let himself hesitate, doesn't let himself be such a coward that he can't even open his mouth to say anything but wishy-washy crap that doesn't mean anything.
he carefully but firmly takes levi's wrist, fingers curling around it so he doesn't step away. ]
Don't go.
[ his voice is quiet. it doesn't shake, but the words are barely breathed out. ]
[ he closes his eyes when Erwin takes hold of his wrist, further holding himself back from actually facing the other man. he could easily break free if he wanted to, but it's not like Erwin isn't aware.
this isn't meant to be restraint, though—it wouldn't work, of course, but Erwin wouldn't do it even if he were capable. that's not the kind of relationship they have, no matter what their respective ranks say.
(what kind of relationship do they have, then? he still doesn't know.)
Erwin's hand on his wrist is more like a 'please' at the end of 'don't go'. can he really say no to that? doesn't Erwin always know best? ]
I don't know if that's a good idea.
[ he doesn't know how much longer he can do this, either. ]
Edited (I'm not doing the thing i) 2025-03-14 01:11 (UTC)
[ erwin knows. if there's one thing erwin can always be certain of, it's levi understanding him, what his actions mean, what his words mean.
but he can't expect levi to understand what erwin himself doesn't understand.
he doesn't let go but he doesn't know what to say. or do, for that matter. at length, he just tips his head forward and rests his face so that it's hidden in levi's hair. which is maybe a little wild, but it sure is a thing he's just done. ]
Help me think of another way. We work best together.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
finally, he speaks. ]
I didn't realize that being willing to sacrifice along with my soldiers indicated devaluing my own life.
[ measured, careful. ]
no subject
[ it sounds like he wants to bite back, to tell Erwin in no uncertain terms that he's not fucking around, but it just doesn't quite hit. he's good at keeping emotion out of his voice, but there's a threshold for these things, and we're well past it at this point.
is this really the kind of conversation they can just have over tea? it may not matter—he seems to have forgotten all about it. ]
And I know you haven't already forgotten why I want you to stay, so can we maybe just skip past this bullshit?
[ he doesn't expect to get a real answer either way. ]
no subject
erwin, unflappable erwin smith, who told his troops to carry on fighting after he got his entire arm bitten off by a titan, takes a slow breath and it shakes on the tail end.
for once in his life, he really, really doesn't know what to say. it's a feeling he's not used to, not comfortable with, but this isn't a situation he can just push aside. isn't a person he can even consider pushing aside. ]
I don't know how to be any other way, Levi. I don't know how to change or what to say or even if I can.
[ it's not a good answer, but at least it's honest. ]
no subject
no. this is the only thing about him he would change. ]
I know.
[ quiet and resigned—unusual for him. it sounds less like giving up and more like accepting he can't win, and that it was silly to ever think he could. ]
I know. I'm just afraid.
[ he should have left that where it was. whoops. ]
no subject
for a long, long moment, erwin looks at levi's back as he keeps standing there. he looks and he doesn't say anything and he doesn't know what to say, still.
at length, his chair scrapes gently on the floor because he's standing. then a few careful steps and he's behind levi. his hand hovers, briefly, somewhere near his waist, before dropping back to his side. ]
You aren't the only one of us who's afraid.
[ his voice is quiet. as steady as it always is, but quiet. ]
no subject
that's probably what he's talking about right now.
finally, Levi finishes preparing their tea and turns around. he only has one cup, and he offers it to Erwin, avoiding his eyes like he knows something bad will happen if he doesn't. ]
Sorry. I should go.
[ he desperately wants to stay, but it's not about what he wants. it never has been.
this is just the way it has to be. ]
no subject
he carefully, quietly sets it back down, and this time he doesn't let himself hesitate, doesn't let himself be such a coward that he can't even open his mouth to say anything but wishy-washy crap that doesn't mean anything.
he carefully but firmly takes levi's wrist, fingers curling around it so he doesn't step away. ]
Don't go.
[ his voice is quiet. it doesn't shake, but the words are barely breathed out. ]
no subject
this isn't meant to be restraint, though—it wouldn't work, of course, but Erwin wouldn't do it even if he were capable. that's not the kind of relationship they have, no matter what their respective ranks say.
(what kind of relationship do they have, then? he still doesn't know.)
Erwin's hand on his wrist is more like a 'please' at the end of 'don't go'. can he really say no to that? doesn't Erwin always know best? ]
I don't know if that's a good idea.
[ he doesn't know how much longer he can do this, either. ]
no subject
but he can't expect levi to understand what erwin himself doesn't understand.
he doesn't let go but he doesn't know what to say. or do, for that matter. at length, he just tips his head forward and rests his face so that it's hidden in levi's hair. which is maybe a little wild, but it sure is a thing he's just done. ]
Help me think of another way. We work best together.