[ spoiler alert: it is indeed that one person. Erwin already knows this, of course, because he's Erwin and because Levi doesn't sleep even on nights when he's not overflowing with anxiety.
'dread' would probably be a better word.
he slips inside and quietly closes the door behind him, turning to lean back against it in much the same way as the last time he (unsuccessfully) tried to talk Erwin out of this.
he avoids his eyes, just for now. ]
You should be sleeping.
[ pretty rich coming from someone who looks like they haven't slept in a month. to be fair, he always looks like that—this is just worse. ]
[ shockingly, erwin isn't surprised when it's levi. no, he accepts the company as he always does, looks up from his work to look at him and offer him a faint and knowing smile.
he's still not changing his mind and their discussion had been relatively intense, but as always—things return to how they always are with them. ]
So should you.
[ admonishment for admonishment: all the same, he gestures toward the other chair at the small table he's at. ]
Sit with me, if you're not going to sleep. Or sleep in here while I work.
[ there's a bed right there. no one is using it. ]
[ bold of Erwin to assume he sleeps in a bed like a normal person and not sitting upright in a chair like a fucking weirdo. even if he did sleep normally, though, there's no chance he'd be able to sleep in Erwin's bed, especially not at a time like this.
plus, when Erwin finally does go to sleep, he'd just have to get out, right? haha, unless— ]
It's a little more critical for you, though, don't you think?
[ oh, well. that's just another argument he's going to lose if he tries. he does move to sit in the chair, but the usually relaxed way in which he tends to sit down is nowhere to be found now. he seems stiff and uncomfortable, like he'd rather be pacing around again.
it's a lot easier to talk this way, though, so he stays put, at least for the moment. ]
Pretty sure that shit can wait.
[ whatever Erwin's working on, that is. he can just do it after they come back.
he's not sure which one of them he's trying to convince. ]
I doubt my sleep is any more critical than yours, Levi.
[ like erwin's going to sleep tonight. don't be absurd. though if he did it's not like he's going to make levi move, but anyway.
anyway. ]
Mm. You know how my brain works.
[ how it gets twisted up in knots at times like this and erwin has to slowly and methodically pull each thread apart and put it back into place. that's part of what he's doing now.
in any case, he's incapable of resting until every detail is settled. ]
Things have to be put together. I'm just going over some details.
[ there's an ache in his bones telling him that things need to be prepared for further ahead than he might've planned otherwise because he may not get a chance to later.
morbid. he's not going to say that out loud. he's not going to do anything but exude confidence in tomorrow. ]
[ plainly. the fact is, he's used to functioning on only a handful of hours of sleep a night; Erwin probably isn't.
he'd better not be, anyway. ]
But I guess there's no use trying to convince you of that, either. I do know how your brain works. Saves both of us a lot of time.
[ of course he wants tea. is that a real question? he stands again and moves to go make it himself, though. he's sure Erwin is more than capable of making tea one-handed, but he has two and he's also not doing anything, so it seems silly to let Erwin do it.
but even though he's done this a million times, he still moves a little awkwardly, like he's trying to rush through the motions but isn't focused on what he's doing at all.
he's running out of time and he's running out of ideas. ]
[ the observation that trying to convince erwin is a waste of time is a valid one though, and he hums his response to that even if he does glance up at him from what he's doing to really look at him like he's taking in every detail to memorize it, like he hasn't memorized those details dozens if not hundreds of times before via observation.
something is different from usual. he will admit that much.
he's back to work again when levi speaks though, and he pauses for it, fully mid-movement, before setting a paper down and replying. ]
[ erwin doesn't resume moving other than that brief bit with the paper for a moment as what levi said sinks in. then he turns to look at him even though levi's not looking back: the fact that the other man has paused in what he's doing is notable too, and for a moment, just a moment, where no one is looking at him, his expression is unreadable in an entirely different way from usual. the note of might-be-anger in levi's voice is clear enough.
finally, he speaks. ]
I didn't realize that being willing to sacrifice along with my soldiers indicated devaluing my own life.
You know that's not what I'm talking about, Erwin.
[ it sounds like he wants to bite back, to tell Erwin in no uncertain terms that he's not fucking around, but it just doesn't quite hit. he's good at keeping emotion out of his voice, but there's a threshold for these things, and we're well past it at this point.
is this really the kind of conversation they can just have over tea? it may not matter—he seems to have forgotten all about it. ]
And I know you haven't already forgotten why I want you to stay, so can we maybe just skip past this bullshit?
[ he doesn't expect to get a real answer either way. ]
[ another silence draws on, but it isn't as long as the last.
erwin, unflappable erwin smith, who told his troops to carry on fighting after he got his entire arm bitten off by a titan, takes a slow breath and it shakes on the tail end.
for once in his life, he really, really doesn't know what to say. it's a feeling he's not used to, not comfortable with, but this isn't a situation he can just push aside. isn't a person he can even consider pushing aside. ]
I don't know how to be any other way, Levi. I don't know how to change or what to say or even if I can.
[ it's not a good answer, but at least it's honest. ]
[ what did he even expect coming in here? did he really expect Erwin to suddenly and massively shift his point of view? did he think Erwin would change? does he want Erwin to change?
no. this is the only thing about him he would change. ]
I know.
[ quiet and resigned—unusual for him. it sounds less like giving up and more like accepting he can't win, and that it was silly to ever think he could. ]
I know. I'm just afraid.
[ he should have left that where it was. whoops. ]
[ realistically, he knows levi doesn't actually want him to change. that much has been clear for years now.
for a long, long moment, erwin looks at levi's back as he keeps standing there. he looks and he doesn't say anything and he doesn't know what to say, still.
at length, his chair scrapes gently on the floor because he's standing. then a few careful steps and he's behind levi. his hand hovers, briefly, somewhere near his waist, before dropping back to his side. ]
You aren't the only one of us who's afraid.
[ his voice is quiet. as steady as it always is, but quiet. ]
[ he's never known Erwin to be afraid of anything. of course Erwin doesn't fear his own death; if he did, he could just stay. Levi had tried to convince him, but even he knows that realistically that was never going to happen. if anything, Erwin is probably far more afraid of not learning what he wants to know.
that's probably what he's talking about right now.
finally, Levi finishes preparing their tea and turns around. he only has one cup, and he offers it to Erwin, avoiding his eyes like he knows something bad will happen if he doesn't. ]
Sorry. I should go.
[ he desperately wants to stay, but it's not about what he wants. it never has been.
[ the pause is brief; erwin looks at levi, unflinching, and takes the cup of tea.
he carefully, quietly sets it back down, and this time he doesn't let himself hesitate, doesn't let himself be such a coward that he can't even open his mouth to say anything but wishy-washy crap that doesn't mean anything.
he carefully but firmly takes levi's wrist, fingers curling around it so he doesn't step away. ]
Don't go.
[ his voice is quiet. it doesn't shake, but the words are barely breathed out. ]
[ he closes his eyes when Erwin takes hold of his wrist, further holding himself back from actually facing the other man. he could easily break free if he wanted to, but it's not like Erwin isn't aware.
this isn't meant to be restraint, though—it wouldn't work, of course, but Erwin wouldn't do it even if he were capable. that's not the kind of relationship they have, no matter what their respective ranks say.
(what kind of relationship do they have, then? he still doesn't know.)
Erwin's hand on his wrist is more like a 'please' at the end of 'don't go'. can he really say no to that? doesn't Erwin always know best? ]
I don't know if that's a good idea.
[ he doesn't know how much longer he can do this, either. ]
Edited (I'm not doing the thing i) 2025-03-14 01:11 (UTC)
[ erwin knows. if there's one thing erwin can always be certain of, it's levi understanding him, what his actions mean, what his words mean.
but he can't expect levi to understand what erwin himself doesn't understand.
he doesn't let go but he doesn't know what to say. or do, for that matter. at length, he just tips his head forward and rests his face so that it's hidden in levi's hair. which is maybe a little wild, but it sure is a thing he's just done. ]
Help me think of another way. We work best together.
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no subject
'dread' would probably be a better word.
he slips inside and quietly closes the door behind him, turning to lean back against it in much the same way as the last time he (unsuccessfully) tried to talk Erwin out of this.
he avoids his eyes, just for now. ]
You should be sleeping.
[ pretty rich coming from someone who looks like they haven't slept in a month. to be fair, he always looks like that—this is just worse. ]
no subject
he's still not changing his mind and their discussion had been relatively intense, but as always—things return to how they always are with them. ]
So should you.
[ admonishment for admonishment: all the same, he gestures toward the other chair at the small table he's at. ]
Sit with me, if you're not going to sleep. Or sleep in here while I work.
[ there's a bed right there. no one is using it. ]
no subject
plus, when Erwin finally does go to sleep, he'd just have to get out, right? haha, unless— ]
It's a little more critical for you, though, don't you think?
[ oh, well. that's just another argument he's going to lose if he tries. he does move to sit in the chair, but the usually relaxed way in which he tends to sit down is nowhere to be found now. he seems stiff and uncomfortable, like he'd rather be pacing around again.
it's a lot easier to talk this way, though, so he stays put, at least for the moment. ]
Pretty sure that shit can wait.
[ whatever Erwin's working on, that is. he can just do it after they come back.
he's not sure which one of them he's trying to convince. ]
no subject
[ like erwin's going to sleep tonight. don't be absurd. though if he did it's not like he's going to make levi move, but anyway.
anyway. ]
Mm. You know how my brain works.
[ how it gets twisted up in knots at times like this and erwin has to slowly and methodically pull each thread apart and put it back into place. that's part of what he's doing now.
in any case, he's incapable of resting until every detail is settled. ]
Things have to be put together. I'm just going over some details.
[ there's an ache in his bones telling him that things need to be prepared for further ahead than he might've planned otherwise because he may not get a chance to later.
morbid. he's not going to say that out loud. he's not going to do anything but exude confidence in tomorrow. ]
Should we have some tea?
[ if they're not going to be sleeping, that is. ]
no subject
[ plainly. the fact is, he's used to functioning on only a handful of hours of sleep a night; Erwin probably isn't.
he'd better not be, anyway. ]
But I guess there's no use trying to convince you of that, either. I do know how your brain works. Saves both of us a lot of time.
[ of course he wants tea. is that a real question? he stands again and moves to go make it himself, though. he's sure Erwin is more than capable of making tea one-handed, but he has two and he's also not doing anything, so it seems silly to let Erwin do it.
but even though he's done this a million times, he still moves a little awkwardly, like he's trying to rush through the motions but isn't focused on what he's doing at all.
he's running out of time and he's running out of ideas. ]
There are some things I can't understand, though.
no subject
[ the observation that trying to convince erwin is a waste of time is a valid one though, and he hums his response to that even if he does glance up at him from what he's doing to really look at him like he's taking in every detail to memorize it, like he hasn't memorized those details dozens if not hundreds of times before via observation.
something is different from usual. he will admit that much.
he's back to work again when levi speaks though, and he pauses for it, fully mid-movement, before setting a paper down and replying. ]
What things are proving difficult?
no subject
[ there's something a little uncharacteristically unsteady in his voice—it's not the kind of thing anyone would notice unless they were Erwin Smith.
it almost sounds like anger.
he doesn't turn around, but the tea-making seems to have come to a pause. ]
no subject
finally, he speaks. ]
I didn't realize that being willing to sacrifice along with my soldiers indicated devaluing my own life.
[ measured, careful. ]
no subject
[ it sounds like he wants to bite back, to tell Erwin in no uncertain terms that he's not fucking around, but it just doesn't quite hit. he's good at keeping emotion out of his voice, but there's a threshold for these things, and we're well past it at this point.
is this really the kind of conversation they can just have over tea? it may not matter—he seems to have forgotten all about it. ]
And I know you haven't already forgotten why I want you to stay, so can we maybe just skip past this bullshit?
[ he doesn't expect to get a real answer either way. ]
no subject
erwin, unflappable erwin smith, who told his troops to carry on fighting after he got his entire arm bitten off by a titan, takes a slow breath and it shakes on the tail end.
for once in his life, he really, really doesn't know what to say. it's a feeling he's not used to, not comfortable with, but this isn't a situation he can just push aside. isn't a person he can even consider pushing aside. ]
I don't know how to be any other way, Levi. I don't know how to change or what to say or even if I can.
[ it's not a good answer, but at least it's honest. ]
no subject
no. this is the only thing about him he would change. ]
I know.
[ quiet and resigned—unusual for him. it sounds less like giving up and more like accepting he can't win, and that it was silly to ever think he could. ]
I know. I'm just afraid.
[ he should have left that where it was. whoops. ]
no subject
for a long, long moment, erwin looks at levi's back as he keeps standing there. he looks and he doesn't say anything and he doesn't know what to say, still.
at length, his chair scrapes gently on the floor because he's standing. then a few careful steps and he's behind levi. his hand hovers, briefly, somewhere near his waist, before dropping back to his side. ]
You aren't the only one of us who's afraid.
[ his voice is quiet. as steady as it always is, but quiet. ]
no subject
that's probably what he's talking about right now.
finally, Levi finishes preparing their tea and turns around. he only has one cup, and he offers it to Erwin, avoiding his eyes like he knows something bad will happen if he doesn't. ]
Sorry. I should go.
[ he desperately wants to stay, but it's not about what he wants. it never has been.
this is just the way it has to be. ]
no subject
he carefully, quietly sets it back down, and this time he doesn't let himself hesitate, doesn't let himself be such a coward that he can't even open his mouth to say anything but wishy-washy crap that doesn't mean anything.
he carefully but firmly takes levi's wrist, fingers curling around it so he doesn't step away. ]
Don't go.
[ his voice is quiet. it doesn't shake, but the words are barely breathed out. ]
no subject
this isn't meant to be restraint, though—it wouldn't work, of course, but Erwin wouldn't do it even if he were capable. that's not the kind of relationship they have, no matter what their respective ranks say.
(what kind of relationship do they have, then? he still doesn't know.)
Erwin's hand on his wrist is more like a 'please' at the end of 'don't go'. can he really say no to that? doesn't Erwin always know best? ]
I don't know if that's a good idea.
[ he doesn't know how much longer he can do this, either. ]
no subject
but he can't expect levi to understand what erwin himself doesn't understand.
he doesn't let go but he doesn't know what to say. or do, for that matter. at length, he just tips his head forward and rests his face so that it's hidden in levi's hair. which is maybe a little wild, but it sure is a thing he's just done. ]
Help me think of another way. We work best together.