dirtdevil | noctium inbox

[ when erwin wakes, he's not sure where he is at first. he doesn't panic but it comes close as the memories come crashing back down on him. memories of noctium, but also memories of what he'd just lived through.

died through.

he wonders how much time has passed since he was last conscious in noctium, and the thought that he left levi alone hits him all at once. as soon as he's able he gets up, shaking off the last of the feelings of drowsy weakness (though he still feels woozy for a while, he presses it aside) and...

... he goes. he's in plain clothing that was given to him because his uniform had been in tatters and covered in blood, and his new arm is gone (he'll have to get it replaced) because he'd been reverted to his previous state when he'd returned home and now... he doesn't look at the scarring under the clothing. he doesn't want to see it.

the last few moments of his life had been so fuzzy, so incomprehensible that he doesn't actually remember how things actually ended but that's not important right now; more important is getting to levi. it takes him a while to get back to their home and his heart sinks when he arrives to no one being there.

at first he sits, head in hands, feeling gutted and hollow.

then he cleans, because everything has a layer of dust on it and a frantic part of his mind that hopes levi will show up like nothing happened knows that levi would hate that. he's used to doing things one-armed again so it goes fine, but once he's done there's... nothing.

he goes to bed at night, gets up in the morning, and does very little other than the motions of living. he's not sure how long it is: it could be hours, it could be an eternity.

at least his ring had been on the bedside table; he'd put it on awkwardly, barely able to get it on his finger without dropping it (repeatedly, he still manages to drop it once or twice in his efforts). it soothes him a little, but the lack of levi is so unsettling and lonely that he's more a ghost than a man.

but he'll keep going just in case. ]

[ in contrast, when Levi wakes, everything is crystal fucking clear. he knows exactly where he is—that crater, again—and exactly what he just saw. the image feels like it's permanently burned into the back of his eyes.

he feels sick.

but he also knows he has to get out of this place, so for awhile he turns on survival mode. without that focus, he knows he would just collapse and let grief overtake him. so just like the first time, he finds a rescue crew and makes it back to the station. everything blurs together—all the things he had stopped to stare at the first time seem completely unremarkable now.

who cares? Erwin is gone.

it hits him over and over. it's like his heart stopped right after he woke up but instead of dying he just keeps going somehow. he thinks dying would have been better.

Sumarlok from above is exactly the same, but it looks so much worse to him now. is he just supposed to go on living here on his own? he never thought he'd want to go home, but he made a promise to Erwin before—before he died, and he can't do anything about it while he's stuck here.

he lets the thought consume him. he knows it's the only way he'll be able to keep going.

he's in no real rush to get back to the house they built together. he goes largely on autopilot, because the dread of going inside alone for the first time keeps him from any desire to hurry. when he gets there, he'll finally collapse. he'll get back up eventually, because he has a vow to fulfill. it's all he has left now.

even his ring is gone.

so he's ready to let the grief take him—for awhile, at least—when he finally walks in the door. and when he sees Erwin, one-armed again but alive, he thinks he must be hallucinating. what a cruel trick for his exhausted mind to play on him—

but it's not a trick. it's not a ghost. right? he can't watch him disappear. he can't be left behind again. he just freezes, eyes stinging with tears he won't let himself cry, and looks at Erwin, halfway just waiting for him to vanish.

it's too much. ]

[ there's such an ache the whole time. he wonders if the same thing happened to levi, he wonders when he'll come back, if he'll come back at all. the waiting is the worst part.

he hears the door before it registers properly and he looks up to see...

... well, the man he's been waiting for this whole time. he nearly chokes on a breath as he stands, hesitating a long moment before stepping forward. levi's hesitation in turn is enough to tell him all he needs to know: they're connected in timelines, now, at the same point instead of disparate. or at least, levi went forward far enough (if not further) to see erwin die.

to live through it.

he shifts as he comes closer, curving his arm around him and burying his face in his hair. he doesn't speak for a long moment, and when he does his voice is thick from where he's buried. ]

I'm sorry.

[ jesus christ, erwin. ]

[ he doesn't talk immediately, either. he's not even sure if his voice still works.

it does, as it turns out, but not very well. ]

Why are you sorry? I'm the one who—

[ whoops, there it goes again. is his voice really gone or is he just getting too choked up? this never happens. he takes every one of his losses hard, but not like this. this is on another level entirely.

it's Erwin, after all.

he can't reconcile the tremendous relief of having Erwin back with the grief still suffocating him, so he just doesn't even try. instead, his hands reach up to cling to him almost on their own, and he goes quiet again.

aside from the muffled sniffs, that is. it's entirely possible he doesn't even know how to cry properly anymore. ]

[ it occured to erwin that levi might blame himself much like erwin also blames himself, and he wants to squash it before it can bloom but he thinks he might be a little too late for that.

still, he can try. ]

I put you in that position.

[ right, okay, you threw a rock at yourself. erwin smith, certified dumbass.

he just holds levi closer when he feels those arms around him and he squeezes him, fingers curling in the back of his clothing, eyes closing as he tries to keep his composure. ]

I'm here. I can't leave now.

[ soft. but it's also a reminder: i'm here, i'm alive, i'm surviving. ]

They brought me back.

[ I could have brought you back is what he might say if his mouth worked, or his brain worked, or if he wanted to say something that would just make it worse (which is a special talent of his). needless to say, it never comes out. it's probably for the best.

somewhere in a back corner of his mind it registers that Erwin holding him feels different now that he's back to one arm, but it doesn't matter.

he just holds onto him tighter. ]

I—

[ nope, gonna have to try that one again. he quietly clears his throat, as if it wasn't obvious why he's having so much trouble speaking. ]

I don't know if you'll agree with what I did, but...

[ but he won't regret it (tm) either way. ]

[ he'll get his other arm back eventually. he got too used to having two of them, to being able to hold levi properly against him without a gap where his arm should be. he's as adept as he can be with this right now, from the practice he had back home, but he'll get used to it again with two arms.

this moment is difficult, but they've managed so far. this is just worse than usual: it's not death of one of their comrades, which is difficult enough, but erwin's own death that they're both reeling from. erwin is still not quite used to knowing he can never go home even though he's had more time to process it.

he shakes his head when levi does speak, humming to try and calm him a little, though it might seem blithe to sound so calm. ]

I trust your judgment in everything. You don't need to explain what or why you did what you did either way.

I know you do.

[ this, though... it's a little more complicated than that, he thinks. he knows Erwin trusts him completely, but he also knows how Erwin feels about himself. it's one of the only things they disagree on, but it's a big one, and even he can't guess how it will go over.

he has to tell him, though.

so he leans back just enough to be able to look up at him, rubbing at his face briefly—again, as if he's fooling anyone. it still takes him a moment to actually speak. ]

In the end...

[ yeah, for now he's just skipping to the end. he's not sure he has the strength to relive all of it again so soon. eventually he'll tell Erwin everything, but right now he wouldn't make it through. he's already having a hard time meeting Erwin's eyes. ]

It came down to what was best for the rest of the world, and what was best for you.

[ he pauses, just trying to hold his shit together. ]

And I chose the latter.

[ it almost sounds like an apology. ]

[ the response erwin gets really is complicated. it brings a lot of things to mind at once: levi's unerring loyalty toward him, the consequences of his own actions, the way death hung over him like a shroud before it finally took him, his own failures in keeping his soldiers safe.

he's quiet for a long time, just looking at levi. he doesn't look angry, more regretful than anything. regretful that levi had to make that choice at all, regretful that he clearly feels he has to explain himself.

erwin is angry, but not at levi. he's angry at himself, at his own blind desires dragging what's left of humanity through the gauntlet for what? the promise of knowledge that he wanted for himself and not for humanity. he's come to terms with that recently, but not in the way one would hope. he's resigned to being a villain, and a part of him is glad levi let him go like that.

finally he shakes his head again and runs his hand over levi's hair gently, stopping at his nape and squeezing gently. it's affectionate, soft, a moment for just them. it's difficult to hear things like this, but he's adaptable and despite being heartworn and exhausted from grief he just presses their foreheads together. ]

You did what was right in the moment. I'm not going to hold it against you. I told you, your judgment is something I trust implicitly. Maybe we're both selfish that way.

[ was it the right thing, though? he's not so sure, but it wouldn't have mattered either way. he didn't do it because it was the right thing to do. even after all this time, his choice still mystifies people. Erwin would have continued to be a tremendous asset to them; who knows where they'd be now if he was the one still alive?

but that doesn't matter, either. if that's how it had gone, he'd have personally turned Erwin into a monster, and he'd be called one even more. as much as Levi desperately wanted to hold onto him, it would have prolonged Erwin's suffering.

really, he's not sure he's even capable of doing that. he doesn't want to be. ]

It's been a year.

[ it's not an inaccurate statement, but the truth is he probably knows how long it's been down to the hour. in a way, he's been dead that long, too.

he's having a hard time meeting Erwin's eyes again. he knows he must look like a mess, and he's a little afraid if he looks back up at him, he won't even be there anymore. ]

...But that's another year you would have suffered through.

[ erwin is quiet for a long time. again. he's processing the span of a year, of the thought of levi being without him for that long with everything they know now, just how much they mean to each other. it's difficult to fathom. erwin doesn't know if he could handle a year without levi now; he was practically a ghost for the short period of time he waited wondering if levi would ever return to noctium.

his eyes are closed and his forehead is still pressed to levi's, quiet and grounding. when he does speak it sounds almost strained. ]

But that was a year of you alone.

[ not literally: obviously the rest of the survey corps was there, but without erwin. it feels alone in a crowd of people without levi there next to him, and he can only assume that it's the same for levi. he sighs and noses into the crook of levi's neck, eyes remaining closed. ]

We're both here now.

[ now.

he doesn't repeat it, but the word feels so bittersweet. Erwin's right: they're here now, and he couldn't be more grateful. but he never thought they'd be here for the rest of their lives; the assumption was always that one day they'll go home, and when they do—

no. he can't go there. not literally, and not figuratively. he leans his face against Erwin's, and just keeps it there, tightening his hold on him.

eventually, he speaks up again. ]

I'm gonna— [ ugh, his voice sounds shitty. he swallows and then continues. ] I won't take any of this for granted. I didn't even—

[ fuck. the thought comes out of his mouth before he even has a chance to think about it. ]

I never told you.

[ so much for living without regrets. ]

[ the one thing erwin doesn't want to think about is going home. he knows it's possible because it's obviously happened to them, but now there's nothing left for him there so the prospect is daunting. do things just end if he leaves this place? there's no way he can just come back. that's not how the real world works, and while he doesn't regret levi's decision in the moment he does regret that it means if levi ever goes home again, that's that. he'll go back to a world without erwin and he won't remember what they have (had) here.

it makes him feel a little hollow, in fact.

he listens to what levi has to say and it makes him feel even more hollow.

this really is the only place for them.

he sighs, touching levi's face with his hand before settling it at his side again.

he may as well make his own confession. ]

I never told you either.

[ he shakes his head. it's not that he doesn't believe it—he knows it's true, because he was there at Erwin's side during his final moments, and even for awhile after. neither of them said it. but being brought here has given them the time and the opportunity to do things differently; to act upon their feelings, and to say what they never got to say.

so he's going to make up for it.

he moves his hands up to cradle Erwin's face, and finally looks him in the eyes. he probably looks like complete shit at this point, but this is important. ]

I love you.

[ it's just a reminder now, but it will always bear repeating. ]

[ it was never the right moment back home. it never would have been. that's why this place feels like a blessing more often than not. he knows most people want to go home, but erwin has nothing left at home and knows that he's never going to get what he has so readily here.

when levi cradles his face he leans into it easily, eyes lidded and gaze almost a little cautious. but when levi speaks next, he smiles and it's like the sun coming out from behind a cloud cover. ]

I love you too.

[ in spite of everything, he smiles back. it's something faint and sad, but it's a smile nonetheless.

his hand drops down to grasp the one Erwin has left. ]

Just stay with me for awhile.

[ it feels almost childish to say, but it's what he needs. ]

[ a smile is still something, even if it is faint and sad. he'll take it.

his hand turns in levi's, threading their fingers, and he nods. ]

As long as you need.

[ even if it's forever. ]

[ forever, huh? that would be ideal.

he just stands there quietly holding Erwin's hand for a few moments. what the hell is he supposed to do now? eventually he decides that taking advantage of every second they have together is the only way to keep going.

so he leads Erwin over to their couch and motions for him to lie down and just curls up next to him, face buried in his chest. if it's up to him, they're gonna be there for awhile. ]

[ erwin says nothing more; there's nothing more to say so he figures silence is fine.

he's malleable and indulgent as he moves to the couch to lay down, settling in such a way that levi can fit comfortably with him. he's used to using one arm again and curls it around levi's back, hand planting flat at the small of it as he tucks his head in down against levi's where it's buried.

it hurts his neck a little, but he doesn't care.

what matters is the fact that they're here now, together, and that's enough for now. ]

noctium inbox

sometime early december.

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