[ years after the fact, he still drives himself a little bit insane thinking about how he wasn't there the day Erwin lost his arm. is this what it was like? all he really knows is that Erwin was telling everyone to leave him behind and keep going because he could be replaced.
that Erwin said that—and even worse, truly believed it—breaks his heart still.
he'll never know if this is what it looked like that day, but this time he's here, and he's not wasting any time. or he's trying not to waste any time, but what the hell is he supposed to do? "bones grinding together?" it's a horrific thing to hear, made even worse by the fact that he can't make it stop.
fuck. he can't let Erwin be in this much pain. it's like the antithesis to his entire being, and he can't do anything. why is he even here if he can't do anything?
he steps down in front of Erwin and slips his arms around him—not too tight, because he's afraid he'll make it worse, but hopefully close enough to be a comfort if nothing else. his face is muffled by Erwin's shoulder, but he makes sure Erwin can hear him. ]
I'm here. It's all right.
[ it's definitely not all right, but the alternative is just screaming. this is probably the way to go. ]
[ erwin thinks it's for the best levi wasn't there, though. he saw enough when erwin died, he doesn't need a secondary sight of the arm loss hanging over him too.
and because he knows levi would have heard him say he could be replaced. he could, he knows that for a fact, but levi didn't need to hear that either.
he's too focused on the now to think about it though, and he's shaking hard when levi's arms wrap around him. he clutches at one of them instinctively, tucking in against his neck and breathing raggedly against him.
it's not all right. it's not, but hearing levi say it is still nice. there's panic and anxiety ramping up in the back of his head, stronger than he's ever felt before, and he can feel his skin moving in a way that makes him feel like he's going to vomit even more.
his reactions are still quick at least when the horns start to grow right out of his scalp, because he's able to draw his head back before they impale levi. he lets go of levi's arm to grope at them blindly, the pain in his skull agonizing, and despite everything that's happened to them here, he's astounded that this new thing is taking place. ]
What—
[ it's grated out and hardly sounds like him at all. ]
[ he freezes when Erwin suddenly jerks his head back; is that a good sign or a bad sign? he doesn't have much time to wonder before it becomes quite clear.
it's definitely a bad sign. unless Erwin always secretly wanted... antlers? is that what those are?
it doesn't matter what they are. they just burst forth out of Erwin's head from nothing, and the mere thought of the pain something like that would cause makes him feel sick, too.
fortunately, he will never be sick enough not to prioritize Erwin over all else. he shifts up to hold Erwin's face; he's afraid to touch the rest of his head. the last thing he wants is to make this even worse.
he's not looking at those things either way—only in his eyes. ]
[ looking into his eyes should be grounding, it should, but erwin's are so wild and startled and agonized that it's not likely to actually help at all. he's breathing hard, but he manages to nod minutely in response to what levi says at least despite everything.
it's not like he can move around much anyway, or at least not much more than the shuddering he does when it starts to feel like his skin is just outright splitting apart along his spine. it sure doesn't feel great, but it's somehow less agonizing than the antlers dragging themselves out of his skull.
it's a viscerally horrible feeling though, and it becomes patently clear that's why his skin felt loose and strange: it's apparently going to start sloughing off entirely, but somehow it's not just horrible muscle and bone underneath. there's skin underneath, and fur, and as it slips off his head there are long, furry lop-eared bunny ears arranged neatly with the antlers. ]
[ he's never seen anything even remotely like this in Erwin's eyes before. it's a thought that would chill him to the bone if he wasn't so completely focused on finding any way to ease Erwin's pain as fast as possible.
he's at a loss, though. he won't give up, but what the fuck do you do when someone suddenly sprouts antlers out of their skull?
the sheer terror that Erwin is dying again hits a peak when Erwin's skin just starts falling off like it's nothing. he wants to throw himself at him and hold him as tight as he can as if that would keep him from going away again, but he has just enough awareness left to know it would probably just make it hurt more.
so he just waits, close but not too close, holding Erwin's hand and watching as he becomes something else. he has no idea what, but it's not something he's concerned with; no matter what parts Erwin loses or gains, he'll still be Erwin.
an erwin that is an anthrophomorphic antlered rabbit-creature, but erwin nonetheless. he sounds less like he's choking on his own breaths by the time he sits there fully transformed, shaking like a leaf, and finally he straightens his spine just a little to test and it's not agony.
a slow exhale leaves him, but he's not pain-free: his gut is twisting and angry, and he's not sure he's ever felt this hungry before, this desperate, no matter how bad things had ever gotten back home. no matter how bad the need for blood had ever gotten since they arrived here.
it's infinitely worse than that, and it takes him a moment to form words because he doesn't feel like he's even fully cognizant anymore. ]
It's—I need to eat.
[ something, anything. before he tries to eat levi whole. ]
[ that's odd, considering they don't have the need to eat food anymore. the thought is irrelevant, though, and it's out of his head just as quickly as it appeared. if Erwin can go through something like that and the first thing out of his mouth is I need to eat, he clearly needs to fucking eat. ]
—Right. Okay. We'll find you something. There has to be food around here somewhere.
[ he hasn't even taken a moment to examine Erwin's changes more closely, because he's immediately hyper-focused on making sure he gets what he needs. presumably there will be plenty of time for that later.
and, yes, in the end it doesn't matter. Erwin is Erwin. ]
[ he just nods at first, clawed fingers gently (as gently as he can right now) stroking along levi's arm. it's a fond gesture, but there's something else to it too that's difficult to place.
he does manage to move after a moment, shifting and climbing out of bed. he's much taller like this, but also much leaner: essentially, if a person were also a rabbit (with antlers), that's what erwin looks like.
in the back of his head, a small voice is quite worried that regular food isn't going to be what his body's craving, but he doesn't speak of that concern yet. ]
[ it feels a little different now, of course, but Erwin's hand on his arm still floods him with relief. it's not that he was worried the person (rabbit person?) in front of him was no longer really Erwin, but a complete metamorphosis like this could have changed something emotionally as well, couldn't it?
well, who knows. he has absolutely no idea. all that matters right now is that Erwin isn't in excruciating pain anymore and he needs to eat. ]
I can just... I'll steal something. Find some humans and take some of their shit. These witches aren't gonna have anything.
[ maybe easier said than done, but he's not worried about it at all. he'll do whatever needs to be done. ]
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that Erwin said that—and even worse, truly believed it—breaks his heart still.
he'll never know if this is what it looked like that day, but this time he's here, and he's not wasting any time. or he's trying not to waste any time, but what the hell is he supposed to do? "bones grinding together?" it's a horrific thing to hear, made even worse by the fact that he can't make it stop.
fuck. he can't let Erwin be in this much pain. it's like the antithesis to his entire being, and he can't do anything. why is he even here if he can't do anything?
he steps down in front of Erwin and slips his arms around him—not too tight, because he's afraid he'll make it worse, but hopefully close enough to be a comfort if nothing else. his face is muffled by Erwin's shoulder, but he makes sure Erwin can hear him. ]
I'm here. It's all right.
[ it's definitely not all right, but the alternative is just screaming. this is probably the way to go. ]
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and because he knows levi would have heard him say he could be replaced. he could, he knows that for a fact, but levi didn't need to hear that either.
he's too focused on the now to think about it though, and he's shaking hard when levi's arms wrap around him. he clutches at one of them instinctively, tucking in against his neck and breathing raggedly against him.
it's not all right. it's not, but hearing levi say it is still nice. there's panic and anxiety ramping up in the back of his head, stronger than he's ever felt before, and he can feel his skin moving in a way that makes him feel like he's going to vomit even more.
his reactions are still quick at least when the horns start to grow right out of his scalp, because he's able to draw his head back before they impale levi. he lets go of levi's arm to grope at them blindly, the pain in his skull agonizing, and despite everything that's happened to them here, he's astounded that this new thing is taking place. ]
What—
[ it's grated out and hardly sounds like him at all. ]
no subject
it's definitely a bad sign. unless Erwin always secretly wanted... antlers? is that what those are?
it doesn't matter what they are. they just burst forth out of Erwin's head from nothing, and the mere thought of the pain something like that would cause makes him feel sick, too.
fortunately, he will never be sick enough not to prioritize Erwin over all else. he shifts up to hold Erwin's face; he's afraid to touch the rest of his head. the last thing he wants is to make this even worse.
he's not looking at those things either way—only in his eyes. ]
I'm here. Stay with me.
[ no matter who turns into what. ]
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it's not like he can move around much anyway, or at least not much more than the shuddering he does when it starts to feel like his skin is just outright splitting apart along his spine. it sure doesn't feel great, but it's somehow less agonizing than the antlers dragging themselves out of his skull.
it's a viscerally horrible feeling though, and it becomes patently clear that's why his skin felt loose and strange: it's apparently going to start sloughing off entirely, but somehow it's not just horrible muscle and bone underneath. there's skin underneath, and fur, and as it slips off his head there are long, furry lop-eared bunny ears arranged neatly with the antlers. ]
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he's at a loss, though. he won't give up, but what the fuck do you do when someone suddenly sprouts antlers out of their skull?
the sheer terror that Erwin is dying again hits a peak when Erwin's skin just starts falling off like it's nothing. he wants to throw himself at him and hold him as tight as he can as if that would keep him from going away again, but he has just enough awareness left to know it would probably just make it hurt more.
so he just waits, close but not too close, holding Erwin's hand and watching as he becomes something else. he has no idea what, but it's not something he's concerned with; no matter what parts Erwin loses or gains, he'll still be Erwin.
in the end, that's the only thing that matters. ]
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an erwin that is an anthrophomorphic antlered rabbit-creature, but erwin nonetheless. he sounds less like he's choking on his own breaths by the time he sits there fully transformed, shaking like a leaf, and finally he straightens his spine just a little to test and it's not agony.
a slow exhale leaves him, but he's not pain-free: his gut is twisting and angry, and he's not sure he's ever felt this hungry before, this desperate, no matter how bad things had ever gotten back home. no matter how bad the need for blood had ever gotten since they arrived here.
it's infinitely worse than that, and it takes him a moment to form words because he doesn't feel like he's even fully cognizant anymore. ]
It's—I need to eat.
[ something, anything. before he tries to eat levi whole. ]
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[ that's odd, considering they don't have the need to eat food anymore. the thought is irrelevant, though, and it's out of his head just as quickly as it appeared. if Erwin can go through something like that and the first thing out of his mouth is I need to eat, he clearly needs to fucking eat. ]
—Right. Okay. We'll find you something. There has to be food around here somewhere.
[ he hasn't even taken a moment to examine Erwin's changes more closely, because he's immediately hyper-focused on making sure he gets what he needs. presumably there will be plenty of time for that later.
and, yes, in the end it doesn't matter. Erwin is Erwin. ]
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he does manage to move after a moment, shifting and climbing out of bed. he's much taller like this, but also much leaner: essentially, if a person were also a rabbit (with antlers), that's what erwin looks like.
in the back of his head, a small voice is quite worried that regular food isn't going to be what his body's craving, but he doesn't speak of that concern yet. ]
I'm sure—we can find something.
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well, who knows. he has absolutely no idea. all that matters right now is that Erwin isn't in excruciating pain anymore and he needs to eat. ]
I can just... I'll steal something. Find some humans and take some of their shit. These witches aren't gonna have anything.
[ maybe easier said than done, but he's not worried about it at all. he'll do whatever needs to be done. ]