[ because i’d tell them to, but since that’s his little secret— zeke sighs. ]
Oh, don’t worry about me. It’s actually science porn. [ he holds the journal up and gives it a wave. ] As for them, well. . . I’d be offended if I were a chimp.
[ lol……… he would. which is why he’s almost smiling. almost! ]
And waste my time on The Google? [ that’s actually a joke. you can tell that he’s trying to be fly— the internet is all he uses for his work, but . . . ] I’m a little old fashioned with my reads. The weight of paper in my hands speaks louder than a tablet. And speaking of chimps, [ let him show you, page 247: he’s the main author of one of the articles! behavioral responses to bedding of 25 western hoolock gibbons (Hoolock hoolock) in captivity— ] I still prefer Gibbons.
[ he feels like he’s winning this round. he’s being smug. ]
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Why would they? I'm talking shit about you, not them.
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Oh, don’t worry about me. It’s actually science porn. [ he holds the journal up and gives it a wave. ] As for them, well. . . I’d be offended if I were a chimp.
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[ not exactly a sick burn when this weirdo would probably love to be a chimp, but it comes out anyway. he rolls his eyes at the thought. ]
Who even gets shit like that in the mail anymore? Do you not know how to use the internet?
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And waste my time on The Google? [ that’s actually a joke. you can tell that he’s trying to be fly— the internet is all he uses for his work, but . . . ] I’m a little old fashioned with my reads. The weight of paper in my hands speaks louder than a tablet. And speaking of chimps, [ let him show you, page 247: he’s the main author of one of the articles! behavioral responses to bedding of 25 western hoolock gibbons (Hoolock hoolock) in captivity— ] I still prefer Gibbons.
[ he feels like he’s winning this round. he’s being smug. ]
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Didn't ask.
[ and then he finally just pushes his way back to his mailbox.
it's empty. ]
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All of that— for nothing? Not even junk mail?
[ that’s. that’s so sad. ]
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he pushes his mailbox closed, perhaps a little harder than necessary. ]
Why the fuck would I want junk mail? Getting nothing is better than getting garbage.
[ or chimp porn. ]
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[ says one who never uses cupons. he feels like he’s getting under his skin, though! and that’s a plus. take that, for saying “chimp porn”! ]
We’re you expecting something?
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[ you know what? he's gonna move. he's literally going to go home and immediately get online and look at other apartment buildings. jesus christ. ]
I get coupons in my email. It's called "giving a shit about the environment." You should try it sometime. Don't monkeys live in trees?
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crap he’s been had ]
—I recycle.
[ that was the worst comeback— maybe it’s time to go, too. he’s swiftly lost this one. ]
Damnit.